RHONJ stars, Teresa (L.), Dina (C.), and Caroline (R.)
So I was watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey last night, looking at Teresa Giudice in her hospital bed, wearing her spotted leopard skin pajamas, having just given birth to baby Audrianna, and then Dina Manzo, whose husband, like Carlo Gambino I presume, is too uptight about being seen on camera, comes in and Teresa asks Dina how it feels to be holding her new god daughter.
I said to my wife, “Audrianna? Adrianna? I wonder if Silvio Dante is gonna pop her while calling her a ‘dirty whore’ some day.” While that was just a joke, so are many truths. Do I buy in to Italian stereotypes? Let’s put it this way: if you are making sauce in your driveway in advance for the whole year, like Teresa Giudice, a geep of all geeps classic move, well, you might be connected. If your husband has 22 inch biceps, speaks in grunt, and sponsors you for breast implants, you might be connected.
If you have a semi-automatic rifle, among other weapons and God knows what in a safe the size of a refrigerator, like Jacqueline’s husband Chris Moltissanti, um, I mean, Chris Laurita, and your favorite refrain is “you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family”, then, well, do I have to say it?
Caroline’s husband, Albert Manzo, in this past episode, was sporting the old Passaic Police Academy sweatshirt (above). A few weeks back on the show, him and his brother, the guy who is too camera shy to appear, threw a big bash for the county sheriff. Who do you think fills the coffers of local law enforcement, district attorneys, and politicians? Where I come from, it’s people who need favors in return. Like Don Corleone the Senior said to Bonasera who wanted justice for his daughter, “who kept her honor”:
Some day I may come to you asking for a favor. That day may never come.
Right, but if these ladies hate Danielle as much as they seem to, then that day may be on the way. There have been 4 episodes so far this season, and none of the ladies have had more than a text encounter with the villainess, a very brief phone conversation, or a voicemail, and the Jersey housewives are on high alert, led by Don Caroline, who also happens to live by the credo, “you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.” Caroline said she’s on to Danielle’s game, when she heard that her mortal enemy, Danielle, would be presenting some check to a cancer kid at her family’s establishment, The Brownstone. “She doesn’t bother me” said Caroline. “I’ll call her garbage to her face if I have to. I’ve done it before and I will do it again”, and she closed with the very omnious and direct, “Ultimately I’ll win.”
The ladies have a sitdown (above). Probable topic: Danielle (below).
Danielle might be a dumber bitch than Kelly Bensimon even, in the tri-state area real housewife dumbness hierarchy, and she has pissed some people off, sure, but she’s just going to a benefit for a little girl with cancer, though garbage she may be. And bringing Danny Provenzano as her date, a felon/New Jersey wise guy/actor (This Thing of Ours) to the cancer party is a bad move, but one that dumb Danielle feels is necessary because she is entering enemy territory, and she’s still un-nerved that the enemy has called her garbage.
The shame in this is that for all Danielle’s faults, she has two extremely nice, pretty young daughters, who her mother got called garbage in front of. And yes, Danielle’s eldest daughter was a model at fashion week, and Danielle did throw a party in her daughter’s honor but she forbade the kid from inviting any of her friends, because Danielle, who was also photographed as an afterthought by none other than Gilles Bensimon (Kelly’s ex), wanted that spotlight all to herself. But next week at The Brownstone, she’ll be sharing the spotlight with Danny P (below).
Danielle, Danny, and other wiseguy (above).
“How would you feel if someone called you garbage?” Danielle asks Danny.
“I have a theory on that. People need to shut the fuck up.” Danny replies.
Follow that link should you wish to peruse Danny’s criminal record and the details of his racketeering conviction.
Don’t be surprised if all hell breaks loose next week between the New Jersey housewives–at the cancer benefit. Look, I’m not saying these people aren’t nice. Actually, aside from Danielle, and the ultra bossy Caroline–who is still to us a way better person than say, her red-headed NYC counterpart, Jill Zarin–everyone on the show seems extremely nice and way more likable than our favorite, bitchy new York housewives who aren’t really housewives. What can I tell you? Some of the nicest people I know happen to be criminals.
Teresa Giudice (above), just before her shining moment in last season’s finale.
They’re nice alright. Doesn’t mean a housewife like Teresa won’t flip over a table and scream, “PROSTITUTION WHORE!” Why? Because she gangsta.