Bethenny Frankel

Need to watch Housewives?  Definitely go with the ones above over their brutal NY counterparts.

Last week Bravo treated us to the 1st installment of the Real Housewives of NYC Reunion Special and then, to Andy Cohen’s and Neil Patrick Harris’s commentary right after regarding the reunion just aired.  If you checked your tivo and have yet to watch this special, or the 2nd installment which aired this Monday, you might be wondering why the shows are 1 and a half hours in length, longer than many films.  So why was that?

We think because Bravo had too many fights, below board remarks, and general vitriol to discriminate by making cuts.  In the commercial for the affair you can see moderator Andy Cohen clearly losing his cool and telling the panel of hypocrites whom we are thoroughly embarrassed about having their names and actions affiliated with New York, as New Yorkers ourselves, to “Shut the fuck up!”  When discussing the incident with Neil Patrick Harris, and a littany of other tasteless morsels shot out of these rude women’s cannon like firecracker mouths, Neil Patrick Harris suggested that the entire cast be scrapped.  He essentially asked Andy Cohen to go out and find some women who represent New York better, and who can stand to be in a room together without every conversation evolving into a screaming match, and usually in short order.

We like that suggestion.  We like it a lot.  Is there a real upside to making stars out of people like Jill Zarin, The Countess, Romona Singer, and Kelly Bensimon, for stabbing each other in the back?  Let’s start with Jill, who now starts each show with the statement that she owns who she is, and that she has learned and changed, and then who starts the reunion show by saying one of the meanest and most unsubstantiated things ever: that Romona’s husband Mario has been said to be cheating by people in their social circle.  When Romona unleashed the dogs with tenfold rude comments of her own about Jill and Luann, Jill’s caddy and disgusting little lackey, Jill stuck to her guns, saying that she didn’t know that Mario was cheating, that she had no proof, but that it was something that people were saying.  Why say something like that except to be deliberatley hurtful?

Romona then not only hit below the belt, but she took Jill’s belt completely off, comparing her husband to Jill’s, calling Bobby, essentially a disgusting person.  Now at least the Mario affair talk came up within the context of the show, albeit when a Morroccan psychic had a vision, but since she was standing around Kelly, Sonja, and Luann, whose husbands all cheated on them, she could have had her signals crossed, or more likely, was just making vague references in the manner of a charletan.  From what we can see, Bobby is actually the most classy and likeable member of the show, and always takes the high road, but Romona obviously doesn’t care about airing her “friend’s” private dirty laundy, or suggesting that such dirty laundry exists.

Still, the affair was all that Jill needed in order to continually bludgeon Romona with, holding it over her head like a child.  Jill’s lapdog Luann had also used this bludgeon in the context of the show, notably, when Romona told Luann she couldn’t be in her music video because it sent, pretty much, a whorish message to her daughter and to the world, leaving Luann reeling for the second time by Romona this season, who has been bludgeoning Luann basically since episode one with the comment that she is only a “weekend mother” because Luann leaves her kids in the Hamptons all week while she galavants with Jacques during the week in the city.  Romona’s digs are constant.  Her daughter turned out great because Romona spends time with her.  Luann?  Not so much. 

Romona explained herself on Watch What Happens Live this past Monday after part 2 of the reunion.  She was actually kind of eloquent in explaining that Jill and Luann have formed a two headed monster of mean, backing each other blindly in order to hammer her family and character, and in that case, she wasn’t going to hold back when it comes to what she can and will say about them.  When confronted with the criticisms, well earned, in regard to her pursuit of, endless need for, and consumption of “Pina Grigiot” (forget Italian towns, can she at least say the name of the fucking type of wine correctly?), Romona had some more real zingers.

Here Romona’s insults to the evil triumvirate of Kelly, Jill, and Luann are more subtle, more biting, and well, Re-meaner.  Romona loves to point out that despite her drinking, even at 11AM on certain occasions, as Jill was quick to point out, she runs 4 or 5 successful businesses.  Get it?  I am a success on my own, and not because I divorced well, or have a rich husband.  It’s the truth and the truth stings.  Because Andy was sure to revisit the whole Bettheny drama in regard to Kelly, because mostly, Kelly suggested she was above Bettheny, but yet, Bettheny has her own show, and better yet for her, made a multi-million dollar deal to sell her Skinny Girl Margarita label.  Kelly pretended to not be jealous of Bettheny, calling her smart for branding the word “skinny.”  Actually, there’s a lot more to it than that.  She brought a low calorie premade and bottled Margarita to market, has become a best selling author and motivational speaker, an even bigger star with her own show that they’d all die for (remember Jill’s shameless pandering for her own show called “Jill Gets A Hobby”?), and sold her beverage label for a reported 20M and continued profit sharing.  All while Kelly has proven week in and out to be one of the most vapid and hated TV personalities alive, who many people think is balls deep in some sort of substance problem, and who leads the internet almost daily and certainly around every show with the following google query: “I hate Kelly Bensimon.”

Good for Sonja, who completely blasted Kelly for talking about her in reunion episode 1.  Sonja pointedly ripped Kelly for waxing on to the camera about the state of disrepair her house was in and that she was purporting to be this grand “Lady Sonja Morgan”, that she was just another divorcee living beyond her means.  Especially ironic when considering the hypocrisy therein since Kelly has now become entrenched as Luann’s nasty little lapdog.  Sonja confronted Kelly who tried to deny it all, but then Sonja explained why the comments were inappropriate, and how she was “counting my money” and even all of the bitches in Jill’s gang had to back off Kelly and support Sonja.  They had to explain to a very dumb Kelly that she had whatever fortune she had because she married money and that her ex bought her pad and her Hamptons house.

To Romona’s credit, she seized on the opportunity presented by Bettheny’s mention to hammer Jill over her own hypocrisy with regard to the fact that she is exactly the same mean, nasty bitch she has always been.  Jill looked shaken, and then flipped, blaming Romona for the fact that Bettheny and Jill never made up.  Romona rightly pointed out that it was she who kept trying to get Jill and Bettheny in the same room, but that it was Luann, jealous of someone getting close to Jill, who moved quickly to extricate Jill from those rooms.  As for the alcohol talk, Romona went for Jill’s jugular, accusing her of being an alcoholic in recovery on national TV.  As for the family talk, it was Romona who kept hammering Luann until The Countess broke down–must see television indeed to see the cold Countess, who loves to snipe at people with caddy insults and then brush it off like it’s all good fun–bite back tears while babbling about how hard it is to be a divorced, single mother.  To which Romona again pointed out, “a weekend mother.” 

Jill went nuts when Romona brought Luann to the brink, calling her disgusting for saying that Jill’s stepdaughter had a “deformity”, and saying that it is Romona’s daughter who always complains about being left alone and eating dinner by herself.  Romona casually explained that Jill’s daughter is deformed by the dictionary standard, but that she was sorry and had mispoke. 

A WWHL poll from last Monday revealed, as could be expected, that almost zero people in the audience like Luann (9%), Kelly (8%), and Cindy (8%), who by the way is also a real cunt, if you ask us.  Romona and Alex then came in at 15%, then Jill at 19% (wouldn’t be surprised if she paid good money to manipulate the vote because honestly, who on earth really likes her?), and Sonja in the lead with a 25% approval figure.

As we were watching the season and the reunion marathons, we gravitated toward Sonja, the lesser of many, many evil bitches.  Obviously, the only truly likeable one was Bettheny, who wisely has run for the hills.  And her show, Bettheny Ever After, just about matches RHNYC in the ratings.  Why?  Because it’s a better, more dynamic, and funnier show about one person who is a better person than all the New York housewives combined.  RHNJ is killing RHNYC in the ratings because all the characters are deeper and more likeable, and their family connections make for real drama, and not the caddy bullshit we get when a bunch of untoward socialites are forced to go to a few pretentious charity events and meaningless, devoid makeup and fashion shows.

Neil Patrick Harris?  He’s a pretty smart guy.  We’re with him.  How low can this show go and do we really care to see it?  Scrap these “ladies”, Andy Cohen, and alter the awful perception of New York they have created.

Crack (,

Danielle Staub (l.) and Caroline Manzo (above).

Kevin Maher, the ex-husband of Danielle Staub and father of her two children, is suing Staub for defamation of character, and his legal team deposed Caroline Manzo, who gave testimony recently as to claims that Danielle made in her presence about Maher.  Manzo, the arch rival of Staub, was probably more than happy to talk to the court about Danielle, who she recently swore she’d never forgive or absolve for her actions toward her at the Bravo RHONJ reunion special.  Those actions include pressing charges and refusing to drop the charges against Caroline’s niece Ashley for pulling out one of Danielle’s hair extensions in an altercation at a New Jersey charity event.

The fiery Manzo, one of the matriarchs of Bravo’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” was called to give a deposition in the $5 million defamation suit filed in New Jersey against Staub by her ex-husband, Kevin Maher.

Manzo was asked to recount stories that Staub allegedly divulged during a “Housewives” taping about Maher.

Manzo testified that Staub told her that Maher “beat her daily,” pushed her into prostitution, raped her on a bed of broken glass, shot — or hanged — her dog and “inserted a pistol up her vagina and played like a Russian roulette.”

Maher had this to say after Manzo’s testimony:

“I really can’t think of which is worse . . . being accused of being a rapist or being [accused of] being a dog killer,” Maher said in his own deposition. “And I’ve been accused of both, a dog-killing rapist.”

The best claim Manzo made by far was that Staub told her that Maher had Danielle so terrified and terrorized by him that she took to hiding up in a tree.  No joke.

She claimed to have been hiding in a tree at some point, afraid that when he came home he would find her and beat her. She claimed to be the victim of prostitution due to his demands, that he put her into that world, again depicting him as an absolute monster. And the only reason she stayed with him, because she feared for her life if she left.

Maher, in addition to being Danielle’s ex, also penned the tome Cop Without A Badge, which detailed Staub’s sordid past and life of crime.

Read more about the tri-state area housewives below:

I wonder as to what Caroline’s testimony would have sounded like had Danielle agreed to drop the charges against Ashley when Danielle urged her to do so in their big pow wow during the season finale, at which Caroline offered to let all other matters between her family and Danielle go in exchange for dropping the charges against Manzo’s niece.

–Crack (,

Teresa Giudice (above) and her rival, richer and prettier sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga (below).

Believe it or not, Real Housewives of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice has worse enemies than recently fired castmate Danielle Staub.  Like Melissa Gorga, the wife of Teresa’s brother, with whom she does not speak.  Shouldn’t take a lot to imagine Teresa’s reaction when she found out that Melissa was joining the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, in all likelihood, as a replacement for the departed Dina Manzo.

Hey Teresa: be careful what you wish for.

Now that despised Danielle Staub has been axed from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” the show has recruited new cast member Melissa Gorga — hothead Teresa Giudice’s sister-in-law and bitter enemy.

There’s apparently no love lost between rivals Teresa and Melissa, who’s married to Teresa’s kid brother, Giuseppe Gorga.

While the profligate Teresa and hubby Joe are bankrupt and fending off creditors, Melissa and Giuseppe — a former landscaper who segued into real estate development — are living the good life in their $4 million mansion in tony Montville, NJ.

Bravo cameras have been filming Melissa, Giuseppe and their three young kids (two boys and a girl) for several weeks now, according to radaronline — which quotes an insider as saying, “Teresa and Melissa don’t get along . . . They don’t speak.”

How great is that?

Melissa, in fact, was said to be peeved that Teresa put the kibosh on allowing Antonia — Melissa’s daughter — to ride in a limo with her cousin Gia to Gia’s birthday party, which aired last season.

Can you say “dysfunctional family”?

As for Danielle’s firing, it would seem as though the news blindsided her, but of course, that’s not Staub’s spin on her pink slip.

“Actually, I’m not even thinking about season three right now, as I am considering many incredible options that have been presented to me,” Staub, 48, told “Right now, I just want to let fans know that we have a fantastic finale coming up next week and explosive reunion shows on Aug. 30 and Sept. 6. Don’t worry next year, I’ll still be the one you either love to hate or hate to love.”

Bravo told the scandal-ridden reality star that she would not be returning for the show’s third season, reported Life & Style, adding that it “came as a complete shock” to the former model.

You can keep up with your favorite New York and New Jersey housewives at the links below:

As for the rumors that Joe Giudice is cheating on Teresa…

In the latest issue of InTouch Weekly, Joe laughs off the rumors, stating that he and Teresa “still make love once, sometimes twice a day.”  Why thank ya Joe for that TMI detail.

Back to this Tara individual, there’s still no proof that this person even exists or that Joe is cheating. We however received an email earlier this week, with someone telling us that the girl’s name is Tara F., and that she is blonde with blue eyes, 100% Sicilian and speaks fluent Italian.

The tipster also alleges that Tara F. “makes her own money working for a major fashion brand in Philly. Rumors are that Joe wants to separate from Teresa, sell the house and live with Tara in NJ or PA. She just bought a farmhouse on 8 acres in Bucks County.”

Teresa should have plenty of reasons to toss some tables next season, it seems.  Danielle or no Danielle.

–Crack (,

Kelly Bensimon of the Real Housewives of New York City (above) wearing weird clothes again.

Real Housewife Kelly, in June 17th’s In Touch Magazine, was outed by a former nanny as a cruel boss who has manic mood swings, and who starts her day by dosing her coffeee with tequila. 

Kelly Bensimon Is Just As “Batty” As She Seems On TV
When Real Housewives of New York City’s resident airhead Kelly Bensimon hired a nanny in 2009 to watch her children Sea, 12, and Teddy, 10, her neighbors weren’t shy about alerting the new employee to what she’d signed up for. “They said, ‘You’re the fourth person in the last six months to work for her,’” claims the former nanny, adding that she thinks that Kelly is “crazy” and says she’s seen her start her day by spiking her coffee with Patrón tequila.

Can’t say we’re suprised.

But sold out by Hamptons neighbors, among others? 

–Crack (

Bethenny Frankel (above) with new husband, Jason Hoppy.

On the eve of Bethenny Frankel’s new “reality” show, Bethenny Getting Married?, the Real Housewives of New York City star revealed that she’s been married.  Twice.

Bethenny Frankel may be a first time mom, but she’s not a first time bride.

The “Real Housewives of New York” star, who wed Jason Hoppy earlier this year, reveals to Life & Style that her recent walk down the aisle wasn’t her first.

Frankel’s first experience with marriage was in 1996, when she wed her former best friend, Peter Sussman.

“We were best friends for five years, and he always wanted to be more,” the natural-foods chef tells the mag.

No one likes Bethenny more than me, when we compare her to the other “real” housewives of New York and New Jersey, but this news about the straight forward Bethenny strikes us as highly hypocritical.  If we are going to slam Teresa Giudice’s sham bankruptcy, and we are, then we must also slam Frankel.  On RHNYC this season, we saw Bethenny come to grips with her estranged father’s death in Los Angeles, and now, upon hearing she was married in LA in 1996, and thinking back on how little we know of Bethenny’s past through the show and how she seemed to be building a career up from nowhere at 35, we know why.

She had this whole other life in California, Ms. New York Housewife, that nobody in the audience knew of.  When does she reveal it?  When the news is about to hit, and she’s gotta come clean for the sake of her new show.

So gross.  What a pig.  ‘I was too young, blah, blah, blah…’  Yesterday she’s a liar and today she’s a ‘get married when it’s right’ advocate?  That’s great.

Frankel can win my affections back and her place as my favorite housewife if she comes clean about the rest of her secret life in California.  Does she have to?  Pretty much.  These housewives think they are private people, and yet I have news sites that update my email on their every move.  I will find out what I want to know, one way or another.

Is anybody even remotely honest?  Bethenny’s Getting Married?  Shocker.  Great work, Andy Cohen.

–Crack (

Kelly Bensimon and the boyfriend she battered, Nick Stefanov (above).

Kelly Bensimon has taken to youtube to rail against bullying in a free PSA she filmed, no doubt, as a reaction to her horrifying behavior in St. Barts, at Romona’s women’s only retreat weekend.

Kelly says:

“I just want to clear the air,” Bensimon says in the video posted on YouTube. “While filming the ‘Real Housewives,’ there was a lot that happened. But the most important thing that happened is one thing that I realized: Systematic bulling is never okay.”

“Four against one is never okay,” she said in the clip. “Whether you’re a 4-year-old or a 10-year-old or a 40-year-old woman, being bullied or ganged up on is never okay.”

I would ask, “Is this bitch crazy?”  But the answer to that has been well established.  Public service announcements on youtube?  How ghetto is that?  I wonder what Countess Luann would say, having recently trashed Kelly because she used the word “hoebag”, a word which the Countess feels has been struck from the urban vernacular.

In all seriousness, we thank Kelly for taking to youtube in an attempt to better her rock bottom public image.  She has once again done a splendid job of making herself look ridiculous.  Can a solo Bravo show like Bethenny soon has premiering be far around the corner for Kelly, a lightning rod for major stupidity?

–Crack (http;//

Mortal enemies, Kelly B. and Bethenny F. (above).

You know what?  I can not fucking stand Kelly Bensimon.  It was fun and games at first, and I thought she was crazy when she joined the cast last year, and showed up late to a drink with Bethenny to say “I’m up here and you’re down here” and “we will never be friends” but couldn’t she have just acted how she felt without such classless indignity?

To Bethenny’s credit, she’s the only one of the housewives who doesn’t have a silver spoon in her mouth, and who actually is a real girl.  But for her to endure this crazy bitch while pregnant, and her rants, like ‘she has knives on her tongues’ and “she’s trying to kill me” and “she’s trying to hurt my family” and then the big crying scene when Bethenny gave her a bag full of gifts for her to enjoy while they were on their vacation, I mean, Bethenny?  Maybe you should kill her already.

Even though the episode is over, the “episode” won’t die because Kelly insists on upping the dumb whenever anyone sticks a microphone in her face.

“Real Housewife” Kelly Bensimon wasn’t having a nervous breakdown on Thursday’s show, but a nervous “breakthrough.”

The star of “Real Housewives of New York City” blew up at her costars in the Bravo series’ most recent episode while the five of them were vacationing in the Virgin Islands.

“It was a nervous breakthrough,” Bensimon told People magazine of the scene she made on Thursday’s episode of the reality series.

Kelly insisted that Bethenny went to the press with a story that damaged her family and her 2 innocent little girls.  Oh, really?  What story was that?  Wasn’t it Kelly who put herself in the press by beating up some dude who pressed charges?

We’ve joked about Kelly and her weird bikini body and poor use of the english language, and she could have been edited in a way that would favor Bethenny, as she has claimed, but what we saw on that boat was not just editing.  And assault is assault, and multiple assaults are multiple assaults.

I understand a lot must be done to make dramatic television out of some rich, stuck up bitches.  Jill’s veterinarian’s house call?   Please, although it was great to see that dog shitting all over the place.  But the notion that we will have to see Jill, a super cunt, and Kelly, pitted against Bethenny in forced scenes for the rest of this show’s life is terribly undignified for Bethenny, who deserves to be paid exponentially better than these rich bitches for this torture.

One last thing on Jill: now she wants to reconcile with Bethenny.  Why?  Because Bobby told her she was wrong.  Hello!  She needed Bobby to tell her that?  He must have also told her the sky is blue.  I’m glad Bethenny didn’t reconcile with her, and I hope that Kelly chokes on a chicken bone.

–Crack (

Kelly Bensimon (above), who looks weird in a bikini.  Thursday night on the Real Housewives of New York City was her wost showing yet.  Here’s a small clip:

Enjoy tat taste for now.


Nobody has anything on New York.  We have the best of everything.  Is there any doubt?  Even when it comes to bitchy housewives who aren’t really housewives, we’ve got you beat Atlanta, and Orange County.  We’ve got those army wives beat by a country mile.  And while we admit, the New Jersey housewives who aren’t really housewives had us going for a while, especially with the line of the century in their finale, “Prostitution whore!”, it’s not New York.

But you know what?  Most of them moved out to Jersey from Brooklyn and Staten Island, and if they didn’t, they certainly dress and talk as though they wish they had.  After watching the explosive first season of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, I actually thought for a minute that there were some new housewives who aren’t really housewives in town.  But then, New York’s queens of mean returned, and they have upped the bar and set the record straight.  Nobody does bitchy like New York.  We’ve set up the following picture display to catch you up if you’ve been out of the loop.  You can check it out here–a cheaper alternative and a better use of time than buying and reading all the horrible books about Jewish mothering, Bohemian mothering, the orphaned, and our favorite–The Countess’s book about manners (see, New York even has “royalty”) that will give you the same general feel for what these “ladies” are about.

Hi darling.  I’m The Countess (L.)  Yes it’s true–my husband who was like 20 years older than me, The Count, left me for an Ethiopian Princess, and since, I have been getting drunk and hooking up like mad.  Everything about me is all bullshit.  When I got called out on my husband being called ancient, I cried like a bitch for months.  But he is.  And he still dropped me.  If you invite me somewhere, you better have the cizzash to pay for me, bitch–or else I will write a chapter in my book on manners about how uncouth you are.  I got 2 kids.  Got a daughter, and shipped her off to boarding school first chance I got.  And then there’s my nerdy son who I pay a hispanic man to give hip hop lessons.  Oh yeah!  did I tell you that I am from Kansas?  Or that I can’t stand Bethenny (R.) ?  Yeah, she’s like a real mouthy whore who tells it like it is all the time, and she just called me a snake to my face.  But I would pose for a fucking picture with Bin Laden, so it’s all good.

That’s me and The Count (above).  Yeah, it sucks to be divorced but at least I didn’t beat the fuck out of him and get remanded to the department of corrections, like um, someone I know…okay, it’s Kelly, if you are gonna twist my arm.

Here I am, (middle lower left), gawking at Kelly’s story on the internet, pretending to console her while I take mental notes for gossip purposes.  By the way, last season I hated Kelly because Bethenny hated Kelly and everyone loved Bethenny, but this season, since I joined Team Jill, I hate Betheny because Jill hates Bethenny, so I now love Kelly even though Jill sent Kelly a rude email because Kelly made polite small talk with Bethenny at a fashion show.  See the 3 of us at the fashion show below.

Now that you’ve gotten to know The Countess Luann, which seems like an oxymoron, let’s meet another real housewife who isn’t really a housewife.

Hi, I’m Bethenny.  That’s my ass sticking out for all of Manhattan.  Yeah, did the PETA spread, because I have got to capitalize on my 15 minutes of fame.  I also wrote a series of shitty books, and I drive around in a gadget car that has “Skinny Girl” written all over it because that’s my brand–“Skinny Girl”–and I am gonna make some loot off all the fat bitches who watch this show.

There’s my ass again, and beneath it, my husband Jason and me.  Yeah, we had a shot gun wedding because he knocked me up, but as you can see, it was casual because we are just 2 real, down to earth people.  Yes, the people who attended the wedding did have to sign confidentiality agreements because my wedding was filmed for my new television show, but other than that, we are real low key.  Below is my former best friend, Jill (R.).

Man, do I hate that bitch.  I tried to make it work after we had a fight, but this annoying bitch played a 3 month old phone message I left her all over town, and puts me on speaker so that her and her new best friend Luann can sit there and listen and analyze and critique like the nagging bitches they are.  Don’t get me wrong–I’ll make up with Jill even though I said I wouldn’t, but I shouldn’t, because she is a major C…and I am just a down to earth kind of girl.  Oh, did I mention I fucked A-Rod?  Oops!  That’s still speculation, and it won’t be revealed until another book, tv show, or product line is commissioned.

Hello!  I’m Alex and this is my husband Simon, in the red vinyl pants.  Sure my husband is a bit of an attention whore and makes curious fashion choices, and yes–I did meet him on Adult Friend Finder looking for casual sex within a ten minute radius of my apartment, but it was love at first sight, and it is my goal to take as many stupid pictures with him as I can that will make us both look utterly ridiculous.  Check out some more below.

Above is Simon sporting some man panties at the beach in St. Bart’s, where we go in the off-season and pretend to be cultured, while Jill, Kelly, and Luann make fun of us because they go to St. Bart’s in season and because they all have Hampton’s houses.  Then we have that pic of Simon in his Star Trek uniform, and yes, I am a vampire who hasn’t fed in a while, and that should explain my complexion and features.  I try to like people, but I hate that bitch Jill because she made fun of my children to my face, and then tried to worm out of it.  Jill?  It’s on, bitch!

Hi, I’m Jill, AKA, the most obnoxious, rude, Jappy bitch in the universe.  I look a lot better than when this photo was taken, because since season 1, I have spent Joan Rivers money on doctors who have taken the knife to my face, thighs, and ass, big time.  I wrote a book on Jewish mothering with my sister and my mother, who is 150 years old but still has jet black hair like an Asian boy.  Betheny and I used to be bff’s but she wasn’t appreciative enough to me for all the success she has had which is a direct result of yours truly, despite the fact that she acknowledged me and my husband in that stupid book she wrote.  So I went to war with Betheny, but now even African village children know me as “that real mean bitch, click click” and tonight Alex is gonna call me the meanest pig ever, so I am actually going to reconsider all the dumb shit I did to Betheny because I am less popular now than George W. Bush.  Below is a shot of me and my daughter.  You know what the bible says: “for as long as men say proverbs they shall say this one: as is the mother, so shall be the daughter.”

Hi, I’m Jill’s daughter.  I am a nice girl right now, but my mom is embarrassed of me because I am fat and sent me to a fat farm that cost my stepdad megabucks.  The fat farm was weird.  This crazy immigrant lady stuck candles in my ears and lit the ends, and the rest of the time, I was basically steaming off water weight.  As soon as I got back to The Hamptons I chunked right back up, and obviously, I am going to be an annoying bitch when I grow up the calibre of my mother and grandmother.

I’m Romona.  I have parlayed this dumb show into a QVC line!  That’s right.  And a book.  Betheny gets the label as the “tell it like it is” girl, but that’s what they should call me.  Instead, they call me “crazy eyes.”  Totally off-base nickname!  WTF?  Okay, so my eyes do look like I am bugging the fuck out in this next picture…

But so what?  I am not on adderall or any other type of speed!  It’s a fucking natural high, bitch!  And that fucking countess?  Can she let shit go already?  She’s still bitching at my husband, Mario (pronounced Marrr-eo) for saying she was “countless” and she didn’t talk to me when I told the truth and told her that Mario was much younger than The Count, who IS much older than her.  Recently, I told Bethenny that she has no friends and one real relationship–and she’ll probably fuck that up!  But I tell her these things out of love.

Hi, I’m Sonja.  I’m the new bitch.  I got the ducats, Bobby Zarin style.  All I care about is finding hard c-o-c-k-s, yo.  I hate Kelly.  She’s a real bitch.  I met her a bunch of times and she acts like she doesn’t know me.  Why?  B/C she did Playboy?  I can buy and sell that bitch.  And, I’m fucking the same Italian dude that Kelly banged last year, and she’s trying to downplay it, but I can tell that she is just a fucking nut job who probably beat this guy up too.

And Luann makes her debut as a recording artist on tonight’s episode.  Prostitution whore THAT, bitches!

–Crack (


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