Wrinkles Warts Makeup…I mean, Sarah Jessica Parker.

Kim Cattrall, whose career started before color photography.

Kristen Davis, pictured with her ass.

Cynthia Nixon (left), or is it right?

It had been the first time in a long time, the morning that Andrew Dice Clay had come in as a guest, because they had just recently resolved a feud that had lasted for about ten years.  Dice was funny, very funny.  The knock on him was always that he couldn’t come up with new material, but I never bought that.  I have listened repeatedly to the Dice album, The Day the Laughter Died, and consider it one of the funniest if not the funniest album I’ve ever heard.  The Day the Laughter Died, while panned early on, has become one of the cult favorite comedic albums ever of those who judge such things.  Andrew Dice Clay recorded live a gig he had in which there were very few fans, most of them were unruly, and he ended up telling or not telling jokes out of pure anger, and to annoy the audience.  For instance, he repeated the punchline “Back.  Get it?”  Probably 400 times while mixing in pointed criticisms of the audience–and it was ground breaking comedy.  Of course, Howard Stern is going to be his usual self, and ask every question under the son to his old friend, and the lengthy interview and hilarious reparte between Howard and Dice would help re-establish Dice as a top tier act once again.  Howard got on to a question, “What about Sex and the City?”  This was 3-4 years ago, at least now, and Dice replied disgustedly, “Not hot enough.  Period.”

While there were some who never thought the foursome hot, or any part of it, Dice’s stark honesty is well appreciated in looking at the new movie.  For one, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) is now wearing this fortune teller type shmatta rag on her head, a tell tale sign a woman can’t pull off hot anymore.  Cynthia Nixon is as gross as they come, she too of the shmatta.  Kristen Davis is plain and misshapen, to be kind, and Kim Cattrell is about 70 and had major work done.  How is this believable that these chicks are getting hit on in bars by the wealthiest men in Manhattan?  Is it believable that they get whisked off to Abu Dhabi for free and are waited on by boy servants, and Carrie is just gonna run into Aiden (John Corbett) on some mud street in what may as well be Bagdhad, and re-falls in love with him?

This all coming from an admitted Sex and the City fan.  And I’ve had to take a lot of abuse for watching this show from all my friends who thought it was extremely gay.  I go way back with SATC.  You remember when one of our favorite Mad Men, Roger Sterling (John Slattery) tried to pee on Carrie’s leg?  What about when Carrie kept roller boy’s weed after he told his mom it was really her’s?  How about Samantha using her vibrator to keep ugly baby Brady’s baby seat rocking?  I hear in the new movie, Samantha uses a respirator instead of a vibrator.  I even remember the first episode when all the kinks weren’t worked out and Carrie used to talk into the camera.  And what about her awful artist boyfriend played by the ballerina?

I also think “not hot enough.  Period.” applies to this movie in the following sense: the people weren’t clamoring for it.  I mean, after 8 or so seasons and a 3 hour movie, we’ve had a long enough look to have an idea.  This movie is a blatant money grab by all concerned, and when we are looking at a storyline of Carrie running into Big in a bodega inside the Rain Forest 3 years down the line when they soak us for another one of these movies with an implausible plot and actresses who are like 55, who is gonna be sorry then?

Us.  They’re not hot enough.  Period.  You go Dice.

–Crack (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com)