The New L Word, or The Real L Word, or The New Real L Word…whatever combination of words Showtime has used to go back to their lesbian well of programming to re-capitalize on the dead horse that is the alternative lifestyle, lacks compelling characters, interesting interaction, and worst of all, lacks pretty women.  In their place we are left to watch a mean bitch named Mikey (so cliche), a dread headed Whitney who kisses all the girls and then wonders why they are all crying, and Rose, a newly monogamous lesbian with Cindy Crawford like moles on her face, who isn’t really all that monogamous after all.

Most foul probably is Mikey (above), who seems to curse for the hell of it, even in her professional environment.  In the premiere, she went on a fucking tirade, no pun intended, because models were showing up to her studio, even though one of her employees called the modelling agency asking for models.  Mikey, doing some sort of casting for LA’s fashion week, made her assistant call the head of the modelling agency, and her assistant was like ‘please hold for Mikey’, like she’s Obama or something.  Then Mikey is told over the phone that her own employee requested the models, and Mikey, who looked stupid, launched into a profanity laced tirade on the phone, burned a bridge, and then kicked all of these models out of her studio, citing their ‘bad attitudes’, even though none of them had any attitude at all, and were just there to find work.  One of the models, a black dude, Mikey identified as “definitely having runway experience.”  How’d she know that?  She had a hunch, and a second later, her hunch was proved wrong.

I’m not sure exactly what this scene was supposed to illustrate, but I came away from it with this bit of knowledge: Mikey is a really mean, inappropriate person.  The ultra “tough” lesbian.  That can’t be the ballyhooed message that almost a year of Showtime promos has been trying to direct us toward, can it?

But at least Mikey has nice tattoos.  We jest.  In fact, she has the ultimate lesbian full arm and shoulder tag, like some of her co-stars, which is at best, an eye sore.  Looking at Mikey might make you think of Ellen Degeneres, plus ink, minus jokes.

Whitney (above) and her dreads, and her story, which is that of the heart breaker, who has now fallen for some girl from San Francisco, even though she is picking up new girls the next minute, and fighting with old girls the next, projects the image of an unevolved lothario who needs some really fat, ugly lesbian friends to comfort her and tell her why she has so many relationship problems, even though, the answers are painfully obvious.  And why do these lesbians have to pronounce the name Sara–that’s Sar-uh–Sa Da?

I read Linda Stasi’s column on the new program in the New York Post, called “L’ of a Show”, which only reaffirmed my opinion that Stasi doesn’t know television, and that she has an odd fascination with the boring, and an obvious preoccupation with calling women pretty who aren’t.  Here’s some of her comments:

So, yes, this new series, which features some of the most naturally beautiful women on any reality show, does include naked, X-rated lesbian sex. And yes, there are perfectly perfect naked lesbians cavorting about, which is sure to guarantee a big male audience.

But what these high-powered, compelling LA ladies have is a genuineness that is lacking on the hideous, phony “Real Housewives” shows.

Oh no she didn’t just diss my housewives!  What about the naked women, sex, and naturally beautiful women?  Do they debut in episode 2 or somewhere down the line?

I can be known to watch a program very closely that features beautiful, naked women.  But I didn’t see any.  None were beautiful or naked.  There was no sex.  And as for high powered women?  All I saw was the evil Mikey.  I took no note of any of the other real lesbians’ professions, and as for their hobbies?

They drink at a local gay bar, gossip, create drama by flirting and hooking up with each other’s women, and then cry about it and conference in other lesbians on phone calls where they discuss how they should handle all the drama that they themselves sought.

Stasi describes some of these lesbians in glowing terms:

They include special effects artist Whitney, a Rasta-haired chick magnet, who’s never met a woman she didn’t love — or want to jump. TV and film executive, Tracy, 28, an even more beautiful version of Hilary Swank, is someone who’s just gotten into a committed relationship with a woman with three little kids.

An “even more beautiful version of Hilary Swank”?  Gosh.  Excuse me while drop trou.  Is it me, or does Stasi want in the mix here?  Or maybe The Post owns Showtime now?

I work in Park Slope, Brooklyn, which probably has a higher lesbian population than LA’s small lesbian scene, which the show’s lesbians continually tout as being so small.  All jokes about Cynthia Nixon and her boyfriend aside.  I feel these LA lesbians could be more real.  They could care about real things that go beyond their self absorbed personas.  Park Slope is a neighborhood of activists who helped beautify and restore the historic and formerly depressed neighborhood, and who help raise money for various other causes.  They don’t all have ink running up into their hands, and they aren’t all possessed by sex–the sex that we did not see in episode one, called “The Power of the Clam.”

Alright, that was clever.  But that was about it.

Be a Critic,

Crack (