Rachel Uchitel (above), Celebrity Rehab star.
I know you wanna see Rachel Uchitel galavanting in short shorts. She’s addicted. To what, you ask? Why, love of course. Yeah, she told Dr. Drew she needed the 3 week stay in the Pasadena Recovery Center because, as the Robert Palmer song goes, she’s “gonna have to face it, she’s addicted to love.” Well, she’s also detoxing from Benzos but forgive her if she fails to mention that. Rachel, for a Xanax popping, 15 minutes of fame, media/Tiger Woods’ whore, is actually quite compelling, and compared to the rest of this year’s Celebrity Rehab clan, has been coming off like Princess Diana.
I know you wanna see old man Eric Roberts galavanting in an array spaghetti strap tank tops, or what we like to call “titty tanks.” As my wife and I were watching the train wreck that is Eric Roberts, my wife says, “Oh my God! Julia Roberts must hate those family get togethers.” Um, darling? Methinks that Julia has probably got a fistful of restraining orders in her purse, one in her bra, and some high tech electro monitoring devices that beep like a broken car alarm if big brother gets within 500 yards. As for the tension between Roberts and Janice Dickinson, or Dickinson and Uchitel, or Dickinson and Jason Davis, for that matter? Last night, Roberts began a comment in group about the uber selfish and annoying Dickinson, “In Janice’s defense…” But he prefaced it with so many insults/truisms that the defense part never came. But it was still the nicest thing anyone’s said about Dickinson, not that she can take a “compliment.”
“Don’t sit here pretending to defend me when the rest of the time you don’t even say hello to me. You ignore me. You go off when we’re not in a meeting and hide away.” she told Roberts.
“That’s because your brutal, baby. You’re mean. You’re scary. You creep me out.” The exchange culminated when Roberts bounced, but not before calling Janice a “cunt.” Then Roberts talked it out with some loser from The Hills, lamented the fact he had ‘stooped’ to Dickinson’s level by calling her a cunt, while at the same time congratulating himself for calling her a cunt because it was “liberating” to call a spade a spade.
The nobody from The Hills remarked on all the fireworks that he has been to 8 rehabs and never seen fireworks like this. Impressive. What? Not firework-y enough for you? But we haven’t even gotten to Jason Davis, who so sastisfyingly systematically destroyed Janice Dickinson with a barrage of comments on bad plastic surgery, reducing the world’s meanest bitch to a crying puddle of makeup and pulled skin. I was telling Dr. Jet about it, and he was like, “Is Jason Davis greasy bear?” And that would have made sense, because frankly, he’s the size of a bear, and as greasy a fuck as I’ve ever seen, and my people are Italian. But alas, greasy bear is Jason’s brother Brandon Davis, who famously used to infuriate Lindsay Lohan in the Manhattan night club scene by screaming “fire crotch!” at her relentlessly, and who made the gossip pages by opining on how ex-girlfriend Mischa Barton became so fat.
The gift of insult and abuse runs healthily through the Davis bloodlines, apparently. Not only has Davis anhilated Dickinson, but also this super ghetto old black lady, somehow a celebrity for being Kesha Cole’s mother (I didn’t know Kesha Cole was a celebrity, let alone her mother). Apparently off camera, Jason Davis de-weaved Mrs. Cole, which has the poor woman practically spasming with nerves around Davis. Last night, Davis stole her lighter, refused to give it back, and then when Cole tried to jump on him to get it back, he started to lavish the mockery upon her, saying in a put on ghetto voice, “YOU CAN’T DISRESPECT ME! I KESHA COLE’S MOM! I KESHA COLE’S MOM!” Cut to Kesha Cole’s mother, reduced to tears, sobbing to Dr. Drew about how she’s about to crack from the abuse.
And then there’s Jeremy London, apparently a famous actor (?), and mad crackhead, who is stalking Rachel Uchitel around the premises, telling Uchitel after she returned to rehab following a flighty moment that ‘he can’t do this without her, and that she’s his world here.’ London has also spun this unbelievable story about how he relapsed because some dudes kidnapped him and forced him to smoke crack. Right. Like I was kidnapped that weekend and taken to the Winter Music Conference and forced to eat all those rolls. This guy is super fucking creepy, but no creepier than Leif Garrett’s bandana and discolored skin patches, or Jason Davis’s open, gaping crackhead cooking injury wounds.
We beg you to watch.