Banged up hottie, Rachel Uchitel (above).

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/celebrity-rehab-best-show-on-television-rachel-uchitel-bikini-shots/

It’s morning at the Pasedena Recovery Center, and everyone but Rachel Uchitel looks like death warmed over.  As for our girl Rachel, she’s still rocking the short shorts.  And Eric Roberts?  Why, the titty tank, of course.  Janice Dickinson has somehow survived the previous night’s “out of body experience”, or for the laymen, panic attack.  Jason Wahler and Jason Davis “slept like shit” and they look even worse, chain smoking like there’s no tomorrow.  And Leif Garrett has switched up the color, but is still rocking the bandanas, and you know what?  We’re grateful.  And we are afraid to see what’s underneath it.

Then squad crackhead has group.  Jeremy London sports the New York Yankees shirt, and that got a bit of a cringe out of us as the group gets into a discussion about forgiveness.  Janice announces she is not forgiving her pedophile father for abusing her, as Eric Roberts smiles broadly at the word of her plight.  We’re not gonna lie to you.  This was a much heavier episode of CR.  Instead of the unrelenting arguments and master mental abuse the group is usually made to suffer at the hands of Jason Davis–who by the way we were happy to learn might not be Greasy Bear but is Gummy Bear–the episode features many more depressing moments.

If you’re a glass half empty kind of guy or gal.  Us?  We were perfectly content to see Keyshia Cole’s mom Frankie practically comatose in withdrawal, planted on a chair, and a tiny missed heart beat away from an ambulance.  And we wish her no harm, but let’s face it.  This is what they signed up for–to entertain.  So we’ll take it in any form.  Eric Roberts is called to a counselling session with his wife, who comes off like a dignitary in explaining the effects Eric’s substance abuse has had on the people around him.  She wants him to rekindle his relationship with her son Keaton, with whom he fought 16 years ago, and now hasn’t seen or spoken to in 16 years.  On the rift, Roberts explains he got pissed at the kid because he was playing loud music with his band late at night, and the insomniac Roberts flipped out, because he “was off Unisom.”

Then the group takes a little trip to a place called “Shields for Families” where they trot out a bunch of ex-crackheads who fucked their lives up and had their bunches of kids remanded to the state.  During a touching, teary-eyed video montage, one woman explains how a judge took her 4 kids away, so she went right out and got pregnant again.  That’ll teach ’em!  Then, she tells us how she decided she wanted God, not the system to have this child, so she “commenced to try to miscarriage on my own which meant I smoked a whole lot of Cocaine.”  Really, because it just kind of sounds like she was doing her normal, every day thing. 

Rachel Uchitel was moved to tell these former users that her dad died of a Cocaine overdose when she was 15.  Gummy Bear was moved too.  He yawned.  But he had gotten the message from these folks, the over-riding advice: “Live for today.”  Jeremy London got it.  He talked about how affected he was and how he needs to keep his head on straight for his son.  And then used the opportunity to take a potshot at his wife, saying the real worry was if “she can keep her head on straight.”  Nice one.

Eric’s stepson Keaton, some fledgling musician, comes in to speak to Dr. Drew, more concerned about getting himself on TV than re-uniting with his stepdad.  Keaton off-handedly trashes his mom, saying that she had a procession of bad boyfriends, that she knew that he and Eric bonded over Marijuana use and in fact, got high together “all day every day.”  He explains how he would get Eric drugs from his boys at the age of 15, and how a paranoid Roberts used to accuse him of ripping him off.  And then he reveals that we can call the kid “Batman.”  Because on the night that Eric was off his Unisom, when Roberts berated the kid and his friends, he also taunted him, so Keaton got a bat and assaulted him, breaaking his ribs and cracking him up really well.  Keaton: “I don’t care if he gets better or not.”

Then we hear Dr. Drew’s priceless narration:  “Keaton seems open to the possibility of seeing Eric…”  Really?  Did he hear the same interview I did?  Cut to the evening, when Jason Davis is rapping on his cell phone to friends that “I’m trapped in hell” and “I hate it here.”  At the appointed time, Gummy Bear is supposed to give his cell phone back to the staff, but treats the tech, big old Will, like a moron, refusing to give his cell phone back, patronizing him by telling him he doesn’t have any idea where the phone is at.  For Jason is living for today.  He is planning a stealthy trip to the strip club, and his buddy and cellmate, Jason Wahler is in.  Will sees Gummy Bear (below) on his surveilance cameras texting under his blanket and comes to retrieve the phone.  Jason says flippantly: “I guess I found it.  You know what?  It was in my pocket after all.”

Can you believe it?  Seconds later, Davis and Wahler have begun to make their escape, and when Will comes to tuck them in, they are gone.  “Davis?  Wahler?  Fuck!” says Will, who is now on a manhunt.  Unfortunately for the boys, they missed their ride, so Davis walks back into rehab like nothing at all happened.  They give him a new round of drug tests and tell him that he’s on lockdown for 12 hours while Dr. Drew decides his fate. 

And in the final scene, 4 cops come storming in for Jason Davis, who somehow raised the ire of the law, despite being gone all of 5 minutes.  Gummy Bear needs his own show.  Can’t wait for next week.

Crack (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com, www.crackbillionair.com)