…Crackbillionair.  Let’s clear up some possible misconceptions and questions that my bio may generate, starting with the word “crack.”  In the urban english vernacular, crack can refer to any substance, and in my case, it does not refer to crack rocks, as in, “Tyrone Biggums Free Crack Giveaway” or “Tyrone Biggums $400,000 Crack Party,” which were 2 excellent skits from The Chappelle Show, may it fitfully rest.

  Crack can be cigarettes, it can be alcohol, it can be sex.  It’s whatever you want it to be, whatever you can’t quit, or it can be a joking reference.  Of course, it can also represent a number of herbs, fungi, and chemicals, most of which are not all conclusively harmful, some of which are benign, and some have accepted medical uses.  My name is derived from all of the possible uses of the word except crack cocaine,  and it is derived in jest, as I am far from a billionaire, to date.

  In posting on the internet, among the masses, it’s nice to have a name that rings out, and this one has always had a certain pinache, as far as I am concerned.

  I have used this name for many years, across many forums.  I use this name on Bitwise, a totally encrypted instant messenger service (*wink, wink*), and I use crackbillionare on AOL, and only because my dumb friend who set it up for me didn’t spell it properly.  My “real” fake name is Francois Marie Arouet, chosen because that was the real name of the legendary and influential French philisophe, better known as Voltaire, who nearly pioneered the use of satire in over 70 books and plays, who was persecuted for his demand for freedom of speech and the press, who mocked France’s first and second estates, the pope, and the king of Prussia, who he referred to as ‘stupid’ and a ‘bore’ as well as a “nasty, perfidious monkey.”

  Crackbillionair and Francois Arouet were both names that I used to fervently debate tennis with, my favorite sport, on tennis.com, where I posted for a long time, until I was banned, banned again, and banned some more.  If you were to google “crackbillionair” you could probably still read some of my posts.  As I allude to in my bio, I love grass court tennis and the dying art of serve and volley tennis.

  Why was I banned, you might wonder, about a nice guy like me.  Well, on one thread, we had gotten into a discussion that went off topic, and a fellow poster happened to mention Martin Sheen, which made me recall a line from one of my favorite song parodies, by Ned of BTLS, to “blister in the sun.”

  It went like this: “When I’m trippin’ I take a puff.  That’s when I pass out.  I had a dream I met Charlie Sheen.  Kissed him on the mouth.”  Within seconds, tennis.com’s Crackbillionair was dead.  But I report thoroughly enjoying every second, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

  Francois Arouet was also banned, mainly for making fun of one poster’s man crush on Rafael Nadal, and composing a poem about it in which Francois declared what that poster’s lurid intentions were toward Nadal’s “chesticles,” a word I coined, that Mirriam Webster has not yet acceded to certifying, but that Tennis.com believes is obscene.

 Since then Crackbillionair has been resurrected at talktennis.com, a much, much greater site where freedom of speech is repsected and where jokes are kept in the proper perspective.  BTW, I really don’t like Nadal or his fans for their dim view of true tennis.  Tennis is really not a grunt sport, it is a beautiful game of amazing grace, and the object is to win the match, and such can be done in spectacular fashion (Rod Laver, John McEnroe, Pete Sampras, Roger Federer) or it could be accomplished by running around the court all day until your knees no longer exist because you have neither guts nor shot making ability.  I prefer a guy like Federer, who can put the ball anywhere he wants on the 78 foot rectangle.  That is talent and artistry.

 On Mad Cow Disease, or Creutzfeld-Jakob disease, or in most cases, “early onset” Alzheimer’s disease (what the public doesn’t know), it has come to the attention of Formula 411, an organization begun by my friends and myself, through the tireless, extroardinary research of Terry Singeltary Sr., and through an excellent non fiction work called Braintrust by Colm Kelleher, PhD, that Agri-beef in many countries, most in fact, except Japan, meat is processed or rendered in a way that spreads uncurable neurological disease.  I sincerely hope you have all enjoyed your last Slim Jim.  More on this to come.

  On B.P.A., or Bisphenol A: a toxic chemical found in many plastics regularly used by the public.  BPA is responsible for heart disease, is extremely dangerous to pregnant women, their unborn babies, and infants, and has been linked conclusively to the release of estrogen which some scientists believe may be affecting the abnormally high rate of homosexuals in the population, which is a statistical fact.  Since we do not know at what point the sexual orientation of a child is decided, consuming estrogen for yet to be born children, new borns, and young children can not be dismissed as a factor in this statistical rise.  And by all means, I celebrate all people.  But if cheap plastic made my boy want to wear a dress and get breast implants, I’d have trouble celebrating that.  It’s not as if the government, most governments, haven’t known since the sixties what bishpenol does, and it hasn’t stopped them from not removing it from the manufacture of baby bottles, aluminum cans, many paints and enamels, etc.  This is all very verifiable information, and the San Francisco Chronicle has done an excellent job covering the story and these developments, and is the only newspaper to give BPA the attention it deserves as a dangerous chemical we all have ingested.  Please google “Bisphenol A.”

  Most of our science comes from a member of Formula 411, already distinguishing himself in the scientific realm, and still just a student.  Fearful of diminishing any part of the great career that lies ahead of him, we will refer to him in this space as Dr. J, though his only connection to basketball is that he’s still bitchin’ about a no call on Vlade Divac in that epic Lakers-Kings series quite a few years back.  Dr. J has been on the Bisphenol A story longer than The Chronicle, and his contributions to The Formula continue to be myriad.

M.D.A…methylene dioxyamphetamine, or according to the D.E.A.’s illegal drug code, 7400, which is the name of my novel soon to be released, and sampled in this space.  M.D.A. was made illegal under President Nixon’s watch, because people were exercising too many of their civil liberties, and mind opening substances were thought to be a cause.  Because there were no analog laws yet on the books, M.D.A. chemists added a methyl group to M.D.A., arriving at M.D.M.A. (methylene dioxy methamphetamine), a weaker, bastardized but legal version of M.D.A. , which today has come to be known as ‘ecstasy.’  (M.D.M.A. became illegal in 1985.)  One of the things my book explores is the resurgence of M.D.A. and its restoration to the New York City underground, and its effects on my characters.  M.D.A., in the 60’s was known as “the hug drug,” “the love drug,” “Madeline,” and “Maddie,” among other names, and is a powerful, peaceful, and highly contemplative substance–therefore deemed dangerous by the powers that be.

  Good Aqua Teen fans already know who Master Shake is—a surly, disinterested and mean spirited milk shake/former super hero, who lives with Frylock (a box of fries/former super hero) and Meatwad (a piece of raw chop meat/former super hero), who are now all retired and live…at the Jersey Shore.  Completely fitting.  My cousin is to be credited with turning The Formula on to this cartoon, which is part of the Adult Swim lineup, and now in its tenth season.  When he first asked us to watch, we were vexed at how ridiculous it was.  My wife is still so horrified by it, that she grumbles whenever I put it on.  But I soon realized that it’s ridiculousness was the point and its  mean brand of humor was its hallmark, and have loved it ever since.   The voice of Master Shake is the very talented Dana Snyder, and the music is the completely original stylings of Schooly D, and we thank him for the new theme song that just began season 10, that started, “It’s been a long time since I left you, but I was in jail with my nephew.”

  Better call Saul…that’s Saul Goodman, the lawyer/partner of Jesse Pinkman and Walter White, on the AMC original series, Breaking Bad.  This is one of the finest shows to come along in the crime genre since The Sopranos and The Wire, and one of the best shows ever done, any genre.  Saul Goodman is played by the hilarious Bob Odenkirk, first spotted by me clowning next to David Cross on Mr. Show with Bob and David (HBO).  And to mention AMC and BrBa and not mention Mad Men, would certainly be a crime.  Mad Men has a fine cast led by Jon Hamm, is a period piece (Manhattan circa 1960), and is produced and was created by Mathew Weiner, one of the finest minds in entertainment who collaborated on some of the more memorable episodes of The Sopranos.

  Better call someone like M. Chris Fabricant if you get busted.  Chris wrote Busted, which is essential reading and a must have for all American citizens.  He also appears on TrueTV regularly and is a good friend to the counter culture.

 Psychicseer@mac.com   —  Sabrina  — one of the world’s most gifted psychic mediums.  Have an open mind.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to believe it, and now I live by it.  She’s that good.  She gives you no choice.  If she says you are going to inherit $36,000 then you are going to inherit $36,000!

I think you all know me well for starters, but all questions are welcome, any time.

Be Kind,

Crack