Eric Roberts

Celebrity Rehab’s Frankie (above).

We’re slightly less thrilled with the last 2 episodes of Celebrity Rehab than we were with the first few. Rachel Uchitel has not been sporting the short shorts, for one, and Eric Roberts seems to have abandoned his titty tanks.  Roberts though, has been a major emphasis of the show of late, and the drama surrounding the reunion with his step son Keaton, who was interestingly attired in a t-shirt emblazoned with the words “Legalize Gay.” 

Frankly, the focus on Roberts’ personal life is not nearlyas fun or entertaining as the engines that moved the show early on and are so satisfying to us.  Like Jason “Gummy Bear” Davis’s scorched earth policy of nervous breakdown inducing abuse.  In fact, we were very dissatisfied with 2 weeks ago’s cliffhanger ending and resolution or lack thereof, when 4 police officers filed into the recovery center looking for Jason Davis.  We’re still unsure what the cops wanted.  Could the incident be chalked up to some combination of poorly cut video/dead end publicity stunt?  That’s our opinion.  Davis has settled in a bit and calmed down, and though he offered us no highlight reel moments of late, we do agree with the great Howard Stern that Davis is entertainment gold.  In this space a few weeks back we called for Gummy Bear’s own reality show, and this week, Howard said in his return to the air that Davis has a knack for verbal abuse and cutting sarcasm, and is interested in giving him his own show on Sirius XM.  Still, Davis’s best moment of late was when Dr. Drew said that Gummy Bear has “the body of an 80 year old man.”

A placid Davis, a low key Uchitel, and a calmer but crimped out Janice Dickinson have given way to the family sagas of Eric Roberts, who we feel is far better on the attack than on the mend, and of Jeremy London, who we do not give a damn about.  London’s drama over a tabloid piece planted in the Enquirer by his burnt out and blown out silicon spectacle of a wife, now also at the Pasadena Recovery Center and who is spying on London through the bushes from a separate wing of the facility, is not at all compelling.  As London complains about how the incident has destroyed his “career”, only the following question and statement come to mind: what career, and get that fucking Yankees shirt off.

Leif Garrett and Frankie have lent spice to the show in the wake left by the absence of outrageousness from our favorites.  Garrett, a card carrying crackhead, had the group as well as counselor Bob in a tizzy when he got up from their table in a restaurant and announced he should like to have a beer.  It’s even more interesting when several people attempt to explain to the dense Garrett why recovering addicts can’t drink alcohol.  “But I’m not an alcoholic” he continues to repeat while a full air force fleet sails over his head.

Then Frankie and Shelly argue when Frankie refuses to do as the others had and won’t delete the drug contacts from her phone.  Frankie, another dense one, fails to see how not doing so will be harmful to her.  Shelly, clean 14.5 years, tries to explain it to her, to which Frankie declares that there’s really no difference between the 14 years Shelly has clean and the 18 days Frankie has clean.

The highlight of the episode had to be when Mike Starr and Tom Sizemore, Celebrity Rehab alumni and personal favorites who are now clean, talk to the current crop about how the program saved their lives.  We thought about how great it was to see them doing well, as we contemplated the fact that this Celebrity Rehab season is winding down.  We hope Dr. Drew can recruit Uchitel, Gummy Bear, Janice Dickinson, and Frankie for Soberhouse.

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Banged up hottie, Rachel Uchitel (above).

It’s morning at the Pasedena Recovery Center, and everyone but Rachel Uchitel looks like death warmed over.  As for our girl Rachel, she’s still rocking the short shorts.  And Eric Roberts?  Why, the titty tank, of course.  Janice Dickinson has somehow survived the previous night’s “out of body experience”, or for the laymen, panic attack.  Jason Wahler and Jason Davis “slept like shit” and they look even worse, chain smoking like there’s no tomorrow.  And Leif Garrett has switched up the color, but is still rocking the bandanas, and you know what?  We’re grateful.  And we are afraid to see what’s underneath it.

Then squad crackhead has group.  Jeremy London sports the New York Yankees shirt, and that got a bit of a cringe out of us as the group gets into a discussion about forgiveness.  Janice announces she is not forgiving her pedophile father for abusing her, as Eric Roberts smiles broadly at the word of her plight.  We’re not gonna lie to you.  This was a much heavier episode of CR.  Instead of the unrelenting arguments and master mental abuse the group is usually made to suffer at the hands of Jason Davis–who by the way we were happy to learn might not be Greasy Bear but is Gummy Bear–the episode features many more depressing moments.

If you’re a glass half empty kind of guy or gal.  Us?  We were perfectly content to see Keyshia Cole’s mom Frankie practically comatose in withdrawal, planted on a chair, and a tiny missed heart beat away from an ambulance.  And we wish her no harm, but let’s face it.  This is what they signed up for–to entertain.  So we’ll take it in any form.  Eric Roberts is called to a counselling session with his wife, who comes off like a dignitary in explaining the effects Eric’s substance abuse has had on the people around him.  She wants him to rekindle his relationship with her son Keaton, with whom he fought 16 years ago, and now hasn’t seen or spoken to in 16 years.  On the rift, Roberts explains he got pissed at the kid because he was playing loud music with his band late at night, and the insomniac Roberts flipped out, because he “was off Unisom.”

Then the group takes a little trip to a place called “Shields for Families” where they trot out a bunch of ex-crackheads who fucked their lives up and had their bunches of kids remanded to the state.  During a touching, teary-eyed video montage, one woman explains how a judge took her 4 kids away, so she went right out and got pregnant again.  That’ll teach ’em!  Then, she tells us how she decided she wanted God, not the system to have this child, so she “commenced to try to miscarriage on my own which meant I smoked a whole lot of Cocaine.”  Really, because it just kind of sounds like she was doing her normal, every day thing. 

Rachel Uchitel was moved to tell these former users that her dad died of a Cocaine overdose when she was 15.  Gummy Bear was moved too.  He yawned.  But he had gotten the message from these folks, the over-riding advice: “Live for today.”  Jeremy London got it.  He talked about how affected he was and how he needs to keep his head on straight for his son.  And then used the opportunity to take a potshot at his wife, saying the real worry was if “she can keep her head on straight.”  Nice one.

Eric’s stepson Keaton, some fledgling musician, comes in to speak to Dr. Drew, more concerned about getting himself on TV than re-uniting with his stepdad.  Keaton off-handedly trashes his mom, saying that she had a procession of bad boyfriends, that she knew that he and Eric bonded over Marijuana use and in fact, got high together “all day every day.”  He explains how he would get Eric drugs from his boys at the age of 15, and how a paranoid Roberts used to accuse him of ripping him off.  And then he reveals that we can call the kid “Batman.”  Because on the night that Eric was off his Unisom, when Roberts berated the kid and his friends, he also taunted him, so Keaton got a bat and assaulted him, breaaking his ribs and cracking him up really well.  Keaton: “I don’t care if he gets better or not.”

Then we hear Dr. Drew’s priceless narration:  “Keaton seems open to the possibility of seeing Eric…”  Really?  Did he hear the same interview I did?  Cut to the evening, when Jason Davis is rapping on his cell phone to friends that “I’m trapped in hell” and “I hate it here.”  At the appointed time, Gummy Bear is supposed to give his cell phone back to the staff, but treats the tech, big old Will, like a moron, refusing to give his cell phone back, patronizing him by telling him he doesn’t have any idea where the phone is at.  For Jason is living for today.  He is planning a stealthy trip to the strip club, and his buddy and cellmate, Jason Wahler is in.  Will sees Gummy Bear (below) on his surveilance cameras texting under his blanket and comes to retrieve the phone.  Jason says flippantly: “I guess I found it.  You know what?  It was in my pocket after all.”

Can you believe it?  Seconds later, Davis and Wahler have begun to make their escape, and when Will comes to tuck them in, they are gone.  “Davis?  Wahler?  Fuck!” says Will, who is now on a manhunt.  Unfortunately for the boys, they missed their ride, so Davis walks back into rehab like nothing at all happened.  They give him a new round of drug tests and tell him that he’s on lockdown for 12 hours while Dr. Drew decides his fate. 

And in the final scene, 4 cops come storming in for Jason Davis, who somehow raised the ire of the law, despite being gone all of 5 minutes.  Gummy Bear needs his own show.  Can’t wait for next week.

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Rachel Uchitel (above), Celebrity Rehab star.

I know you wanna see Rachel Uchitel galavanting in short shorts.  She’s addicted.  To what, you ask?  Why, love of course.  Yeah, she told Dr. Drew she needed the 3 week stay in the Pasadena Recovery Center because, as the Robert Palmer song goes, she’s “gonna have to face it, she’s addicted to love.”  Well, she’s also detoxing from Benzos but forgive her if she fails to mention that.  Rachel, for a Xanax popping, 15 minutes of fame, media/Tiger Woods’ whore, is actually quite compelling, and compared to the rest of this year’s Celebrity Rehab clan, has been coming off like Princess Diana.

I know you wanna see old man Eric Roberts galavanting in an array spaghetti strap tank tops, or what we like to call “titty tanks.”  As my wife and I were watching the train wreck that is Eric Roberts, my wife says, “Oh my God!  Julia Roberts must hate those family get togethers.”  Um, darling?  Methinks that Julia has probably got a fistful of restraining orders in her purse, one in her bra, and some high tech electro monitoring devices that beep like a broken car alarm if big brother gets within 500 yards.  As for the tension between Roberts and Janice Dickinson, or Dickinson and Uchitel, or Dickinson and Jason Davis, for that matter?  Last night, Roberts began a comment in group about the uber selfish and annoying Dickinson, “In Janice’s defense…”  But he prefaced it with so many insults/truisms that the defense part never came.  But it was still the nicest thing anyone’s said about Dickinson, not that she can take a “compliment.”

“Don’t sit here pretending to defend me when the rest of the time you don’t even say hello to me.  You ignore me.  You go off when we’re not in a meeting and hide away.” she told Roberts. 

“That’s because your brutal, baby.  You’re mean.  You’re scary.  You creep me out.”  The exchange culminated when Roberts bounced, but not before calling Janice a “cunt.”  Then Roberts talked it out with some loser from The Hills, lamented the fact he had ‘stooped’ to Dickinson’s level by calling her a cunt, while at the same time congratulating himself for calling her a cunt because it was “liberating” to call a spade a spade.

The nobody from The Hills remarked on all the fireworks that he has been to 8 rehabs and never seen fireworks like this.  Impressive.  What?  Not firework-y enough for you?  But we haven’t even gotten to Jason Davis, who so sastisfyingly systematically destroyed Janice Dickinson with a barrage of comments on bad plastic surgery, reducing the world’s meanest bitch to a crying puddle of makeup and pulled skin.  I was telling Dr. Jet about it, and he was like, “Is Jason Davis greasy bear?”  And that would have made sense, because frankly, he’s the size of a bear, and as greasy a fuck as I’ve ever seen, and my people are Italian.  But alas, greasy bear is Jason’s brother Brandon Davis, who famously used to infuriate Lindsay Lohan in the Manhattan night club scene by screaming “fire crotch!” at her relentlessly, and who made the gossip pages by opining on how ex-girlfriend Mischa Barton became so fat. 

The gift of insult and abuse runs healthily through the Davis bloodlines, apparently.  Not only has Davis anhilated Dickinson, but also this super ghetto old black lady, somehow a celebrity for being Kesha Cole’s mother (I didn’t know Kesha Cole was a celebrity, let alone her mother).  Apparently off camera, Jason Davis de-weaved Mrs. Cole, which has the poor woman practically spasming with nerves around Davis.  Last night, Davis stole her lighter, refused to give it back, and then when Cole tried to jump on him to get it back, he started to lavish the mockery upon her, saying in a put on ghetto voice, “YOU CAN’T DISRESPECT ME!  I KESHA COLE’S MOM!  I KESHA COLE’S MOM!”  Cut to Kesha Cole’s mother, reduced to tears, sobbing to Dr. Drew about how she’s about to crack from the abuse.

And then there’s Jeremy London, apparently a famous actor (?), and mad crackhead, who is stalking Rachel Uchitel around the premises, telling Uchitel after she returned to rehab following a flighty moment that ‘he can’t do this without her, and that she’s his world here.’  London has also spun this unbelievable story about how he relapsed because some dudes kidnapped him and forced him to smoke crack.  Right.  Like I was kidnapped that weekend and taken to the Winter Music Conference and forced to eat all those rolls.  This guy is super fucking creepy, but no creepier than Leif Garrett’s bandana and discolored skin patches, or Jason Davis’s open, gaping crackhead cooking injury wounds.

We beg you to watch.

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