Is that Tony Soprano’s house (above)? No, it’s the home of Joe and Teresa Giudice, of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.
On the way home from the hospital after bearing the couples’ 4th daughter, Joe Giudice, already angling for more kids, says that they are going to have to make a bigger Cadillac, suggesting his Escalade isn’t big enough for their growing family. Teresa insists she’s done having babies, to which Joe’s response was:
You popped that kid out like it was a ping pong ball.
Teresa: …you wanna get snipped?
Joe: Nah. You got the wrong guy.
The way the line rolled off the tongue, one could get the idea he has said it before, like to police several times. Meanwhile, Danielle is sipping wine with her friend, “Kim G.”, who is the mother of “John G.”, Caroline’s son Christopher’s best friend. Kim G has a driving ms. daisy situation going on, chauffered around in a black Bentley by a huge black man. As it turns out, we learn from Caroline when John G comes over to visit Chris that Kim asked her to lunch, but that Caroline declined the offer. Her reasons? Well, there’s the cosmetic reason she cobbled together–that she wouldn’t want a new friendship with Kim to interfere with her son’s relationship with John, as though their mothers being friends would hurt their relationship. Then came the real reason: Kim is friends with Danielle who has a vendetta, and who “lives to destroy them.”
I don’t want to give you a negative impression of the Manzo’s, who despite any jokes I may crack, are a nice, close knit family. The Manzo’s look out for each other. A good example of this would be when Albie and Lauren, Caroline’s other children, take the wayward Ashley and her boyfriend Derrick to a fancy restaurant where Albie browbeats the couple out of concern for his 18 year old cousin, who he says, “already has made a lot of bad decisions.” Albie tells a frightened Derrick that Ashley doesn’t know “who the hell she is yet” and tells the camera that he can’t see Ashley making decisions that will affect the rest of her life when she’s 18 around some guy. Ashley isn’t upset that Albie shot straight with them in the restaurant, in a sort of Michael Corleone moment, reminiscent of when he tells Connie in front of her boyfriend Merle, “I don’t know this Merle. I don’t know what he does.”
Ashley is lucky that Albie’s not afraid to have the tough conversation with the kid, as did her stepfather Chris, who a few weeks back essentially told Derrick that he didn’t like him and knew he was just after sex. But Ashley, who couldn’t graduate high school on time and strikes us as special ed all the way, insists to everyone concerned that she’s making good decisions. To prove that she is, she points to the fact that she is using birth control, which just oozed wisdom.
Ashley’s mother Jacqueline, the caring sort, who in one fell swoop chided her daughter last year for flunking in her senior year, and then gave her a brand new Jeep Cherokee, showed her concern for her daughter’s situation this week by visiting Derrick’s mom. Instead of taking the Albie approach, Jacqeline gets drunk on wine with Derrick’s mom, and by the end of a slush fest, they are laying in each other’s laps and feeding each other grapes. Bizzare? Indeed. But we have not yet begun to dish the dirt on the last Mob Housewives of New Jersey, in which the main event was Danielle’s visit to The Brownstone, the Manzo family business.
Before we do so, I might be inclined to agree with my mother-in-law, who in spying closely Teresa’s hairline, emphatically declared, “her hair is not real.” Weave? Wig? Plugs? “Yeah,” my mother-in-law says, “something’s not right.” then I went on a quest to get a good look at Teresa’s hair.
Looks okay (above), but wait…
But there (above), I’m feeling a little Jeff Van Gundy like hair plug vibe.
There too (above). And at points, she wears these headbands that totally cover her hairline, so our family is actively wondering. Their family happens to be getting the tatoos of every guinea named girl Teresa “popped out like a ping pong ball” branded to Joe’s right arm.
If you are keeping score, there’s Gia, Milania, Gabriella, and the newest arrival, Audrianna. Since Gia’s birthday rolled around on this very eventful episode, we feel we must mention what the 9 year old’s birthday present was: a motorized quad, that the 9 year old and her 7 year old sister rode around on with no helmets. Seriously, are these people crazy? BTW, that’s the same gift that Carmine Agnello had shipped to one of his Growing Up Gotti boys, while he was still away at the federal clink.
One other bit of news before the main event. Caroline, while drinking wine with Teresa and Jacqueline makes the startling admission to the girls that every day in the shower she shaves her face. It’s not that we don’t believe her, but more that we can’t believe she said it.
Then, the show’s whole tenor changes, as they begin to show The Brownstone and its staff preparing for the cancer benefit. At Danielle’s, a still nervous Danielle asks her friend Kim G if she’s going to be alright going to The Brownstone, to which Kim G replies, “this is for a baby that’s sick. Let’s just go and have a good time.” You know what? Maybe it’s editing or whatever, but we feel Kim G comes off very poorly, and that quote didn’t help. All praise to Caroline for negging Kim on that lunch date.
Danny Provenzano, our favorite New Jersey wiseguy, shows up at Danielle’s to escort the ladies to the party, and refuses a drink, because he is still on parole for another 6 days. When they arrive, Caroline’s son Chris, who works at The Brownstone, greets them. Danielle, on her encounter with Chris:
I wanted to shake his hand, like, as a little psychological F.U.
Now that’s the winning attitude. Chris greets Kim G, his best friend’s mom, and tells her innocuously that she’s “in for a surprise.” Danielle, who didn’t hear the comment, naarates for the camera that Chris was “very sadistic when he said you’re in for a big surprise. I wonder whose son that was.”
Delusions of grandeur, maybe? Hello? Danielle? It wasn’t a comment said, or aimed at you. But Kim G has to rile up Danielle and Danny P, and the entourage of several mafioso and Hell’s Angels. It’s true that a table wasn’t ready for Danielle’s party, but it’s also true that Danielle brought about a dozen people with her, unannounced, and that those people did not pay to attend the benefit, which Danielle kept saying to damn the Manzo’s, that it was for a little baby. We learn that the event organizers did not want non-paying customers, which is very prudent. Even so, the Manzo family did everything they could to accomodate the large party that made a spectacle out of this poor little girl’s cancer benefit.
Danielle (above), with Danny, bitching about nonsense outside The Brownstone. Danielle would conclude with:
You call me garbage? Look in the mirror, sisters. They did this to a baby.
I have a good grasp on reality. but they…don’t.
Um, Danielle? If that were true, there would be no show, and they’d have to find another crazy bitch to fill your shoes. And even the great Andy Cohen might have trouble pulling that off.