Layer Cake


Eddie Temple (Michael Gambon), who was not reprised in Viva La Madness.

Sidney (Ben Whishaw) and Tammy (Sienna Miller) who also weren’t reprised.

Near the start of Layer Cake, [xxxx] and Morty go to lunch with Geno and Jimmy Price at Pepe’s Barn.  As far as we are concerned, that scene and the conversation between [xxxx] and Price at lunch, and then in the bathroom, were outstanding, having perfectly conveyed the path of the book, overall.  They are just two scenes of many outstanding ones in Layer Cake, as Connolly is most genius at language, obviously proving that out with giant scenes for Eddy Temple, and Geno and frankly, most of the people who had speaking parts.  When [xxxx] gets kidnapped and filled in?  Phenomenal.  And then again, when Eddy fills [xxxx] in with the layer cake speech at the end.  And then, in the movie, [xxxx] shows why he’s already up the layer cake farther than Mr. Temple knows, or Mr. Ryder, in the movie.  You know we are bigger on the movie’s ending, where he leaves with a leg up, than the book’s most disappointing outcomes.  And you know why.  So we’ll not get into that, though as always, I would certainly entertain comments, as it has become a spirited discussion between the fans of the book.

There was no big setup moment.  Or good setup moment.  And frankly, we thought the first 100 pages were extremely tedious and uninteresting.  But the sequel, Viva La Madness, a good ten years in arriving after Layer Cake, perhaps got it done in other ways, as we have walked away about as best we could be satisfied with a story in which Connolly skunked nearly a dozen worthy characters.  It bothers us also that he didn’t really write any that were that stirring either.  Viva La Madness opens slowly and leaves you wanting for old characters.  Look, I think you knew I’d be honest.  Gene, Mr. Temple/Mr. Ryder, Tammy, Trevor & Shanks, Tiptoes, Billy Bogus, and many of the flashback characters, in the very least, were all compelling characters who all the fans have really gotten attached to.  How could you not?

Here’s another thing, while we are airing the complaints.  It doesn’t sound like him in all parts.  I don’t really know what’s going on there.  But Connolly was using phrases that seemed out of character.  Again, comment me on that if you like.  It would be too difficult to explain and we do not wish to be so overly critical.  We said what we needed to say on that.

But the book does start to satisfy.  And when you are in full clip, you are reading this beast furiously.  Because Connolly is that kind of writer.  He writes a good, compelling, fun story.  And because the characters are a bit too drab or a bit too “heads the balls”, you want the two good characters, our man [xxxx] and Mr. Mortimer to win more than ever.  Anything else will be indecent.  And that is what we always said from the start was the problem from the first book, then corrected in the movie, and then seen to not need correcting in the new novel.  The good guys win.  Finally.

And they get laid.  On my word, [xxxx] gets laid, finally, and the pussy is very good.  That’s great.  We who are rooting for him want him to get laid.  So they gave us that as well.  The book is really not as colorful as the first.  It’s also not as black and white.  It’s quite grey, in fact.  And that should be one’s outlook, and perhaps not so black and white.  Remember, they are commodities traders, and they do make fair compensation.  It is a business at which men like them are successful.  That they do not complete the $100M score, and only come out with a several million dollar score is really nothing to cry about.  This book goes down over a period of about twenty days.  So if you are getting 3M to walk away with, you have been fairly compensated for those twenty days worth of work, especially if you are already a murderous drug dealer.

We have to say we really like it.  We liked the ending.  More grey.  That black and white first book, was really tainted in our mind, by the ending.  You don’t have that here.  The characters we like are rich and safe.  Yay.  The plot is well developed, and complicated, and it is a real page turner.  Exactly what you want.  But we just weren’t feeling these new characters.  We are sure that Connolly and Vaughn will punch them up better if/when the movie becomes a reality.  So we are not gonna cry about that.  If a book is not perfect you are going to have to live with some flaws.  Connolly might have had the one truly great story that made Layer Cake the lightning bolt it was.  That is not going to be easy to duplicate.  But it’s a good sequel to Layer Cake and was well worth buying and reading and anticipating as we did.

Smiler’s alright, but the Venezuelans and the other Brit’s were just brutal, not interesting.  Sonny and Roy? The Toff?  Ih.  He’s alright.  Ted Granger?  Not really impressed.  But this book was funny, and was compelling from about page 100 through to the end.  We did not expect this book to be better than or equal to Layer Cake.  As we have suggested, that may be impossible for Connolly.  But if you like this kind of fiction, drug crime fiction, it’s really the only game in town, and the very big boys who Connolly describes are doing very similar things to the things that Connolly describes, especially in business.

So we have to say kudos.  We were immediately satisfied.  We sat on writing this for many months, as we read it fairly immediately upon release.  And our opinion hasn’t changed any.  We’ve seen a lot of people reading the ‘Layer Cake Sequel Approaches’ post, so we may as well let you know our thoughts.

Viva La Madness should be a satisfying read for Connolly fans.  And they should want to see it on the big screen, where once again, the book will outdo the movie.  But we say all this while fully acknowledging that Connolly is a master in the genre, and we have to thank him for bringing some compelling stories to us.  Thanks JJC.  But if we could suggest for next time, please bring back some of the old guard.  There would be no questions as to any book’s interest level with some of those characters in the mix.

Crack (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com)       

The grounds of beautiful Santa Anita Park (above), which has given HBO’s new series “Luck” unprecedented access.

We can imagine some of the criticisms of what we feel is a budding hit series, HBO’s new drama “Luck”.  The first few episodes seemed incredibly veiled, cloaked in terseness, as though the show was afraid to give away too much, too soon.  On top of that, anyone not acquainted with race track vernacular and etiquette, as I am not, had another layer of code to wade through.  But from early in episode one when the four amigos put together a complex pick six parlay, led by Jerry, a degenerate gambler genius, who reasoned out the long shot selection of Mon Gateau, a horse they now own, a person like me who fancies a good gamble–especially a good parlay, which is where the real money is–could feel that Luck was cultivating a certain electricity and excitement at Santa Anita.  And when Mon Gateau went out and won its race,  which was captured brilliantly in it’s full glory, as one would expect from a David Milch production, and the four amigos had won the 2.6M pick six, we felt that gambler’s high that only comes when a good wager goes green.

Jerry (Jason Gedrick), who tempts fate by playing in high stakes poker games he usually loses, has already lost a good portion of those massive pick 6 winnings, but the flawed nature of this character has hit home, making his storyline all the more interesting to us.  The four amigos made him the point man for the acquisition of Mon Gateau, and his street smarts both sealed the acquisition and secured that ace trainer Escalante (John Ortiz) would continue working with the horse, who, it seems very few people have the patience or nature to get along with.

While Jerry, to us, has stolen a portion of the show, there can be no doubt that this endeavor belongs to the legendary Dustin Hoffman, whose Ace Bernstein character has just been paroled from prison, taking a Cocaine possession charge for his grandson, that landed him 3 years in the fed.  While the first few episodes were exceedingly murky especially in regard to the Bernstein character, the plot has done enough to direct us toward a Bernstein revenge plan against those who have wronged him and his family.

In our minds, Bernstein is the next great HBO character, and will fall in line with the likes of Al Swearengen and Tony Soprano.  And to see Hoffman on HBO in his first ever television gig has been an immense gift for acting buffs and an all time coup for the network, with the credit going to Hoffman and David Milch.  To see Hoffman in scenes with his driver/confidante/right hand man, Dennis Farina (who could forget Farina as crime boss Jimmy Serrano in the all time DeNiro classic “Midnight Run”?) has been a real treat, and they are brilliant together.  And what about Hoffman’s first scene with our guy, Michael Gambon, who played Eddie Temple in Layer Cake, and who delivered on one of our all time favorite film monologues that ended with him telling Daniel Craig, “Welcome to the layer cake, son.”?  Gambon, most well known to youngsters for his work in the Harry Potter films, plays an ex and again business associate of Bernstein’s named Mike, dubious of character at best, and who was probably behind Ace’s set up and 3 year jail term.

Mike:  ‘How’s your grandson, Ace?’

Ace:  ‘He’s good.  Don’t talk about my grandson again.’

Mike:  ‘He’s very lucky to have someone do what you did for him.  Really, he’s good?’

Ace:  ‘You better fucking pray to fucking God every day he stays that way.’

There could be no doubting that Hoffman would bring his trademark electricity to the role, also establishing instant rapport with Patrick Adams (Mike Ross, Suits), who Ace has chosen to be his go between with the villainous Mike.  When Adams, playing young lawyer Nathan Israel, is first enlisted by Bernstein, the uptight young man is mock chided for “answering a question with a question.” When Israel is a bit more comfortable with Bernstein, in a subsequent meeting, he asks, “so what will I be doing to earn my keep?” Bernstein replies, “so what do you think you’d be good at?” Israel retorts, “answers a question with a question.” After Israel reports back to Ace the details of his first meeting with Mike, he tells him he’s not sure he can continue because of his conscience.  Bernstein replies, “that’s because you’re an honest man.  So far.”

With all of the obvious big money on the line, and with Bernstein already spending a fortune to buy a 5.1% stake in the race track, while leading others to believe he will bring lucrative casino and parlor gaming to Santa Anita, the stage seems set for the sting, and we expect it will bring out the duplicitous nature of some.  In the first episode, Ace tells Gus that he doesn’t trust anyone, but that in Gus’s case, he gets a pass.

In light of the congratulatory cake that Gus and Ace received in episode 6, a message to Gus emblazoned upon it that read not “Way to go Greek” but rather “Wait To Go Greek”, which was presumed as having something to do with Gus’s horse winning a race, from Mike and his crew, until Gus says out of earshot of Ace, “No icing error, this.”

Gus is obviously receiving a signal from the other side, but is he really one of them?  Or are they possibly threatening him?  All still part of the unrevealed plot.

While Ace has shown a forthright business nature in meetings with his board of directors, with the head of the casino, and with Escalante, whom he confronts over the training of the horse Ace secretly owns, Pint of Plain, he has also shown a tremendous soft side for the animal, spending one night in a chair in the barn outside the horse’s stall to see him through the night, and beaming in conversations about the animal.  Bernstein is truly at peace when the horse is at peace, and is livid when he feels Escalante is misusing the horse as a means of manipulating the odds.  Escalante, a major player in Luck, is a gruff trainer and a difficult guy, and Bernstein calls him to the carpet right away, because he wants to know if Escalante is a trainer or a gambler.  Escalante replies, ‘who says if you’re one it means you can’t also be the other?’

To his credit, the hardened Escalante does obviously love the animals he trains, and seems to respect both Jerry and Ace for their smarts, and for the way in which they care for their animals.    Also, Escalante doesn’t seem to know that it was Bernstein who got Escalante his break in the business, by suggesting that the stables hire him when he was only a kid who seemed to always be hanging around the horses.  We feel this is a resting plot line right now that will be revealing itself in good time, which Luck most certainly is, a veritable cornucopia for TV fans, replete with two forms of lightning in a bottle.  They have captured the tension, intensity, and magic of the races themselves, a tall order when filming with the animals, and also, the magical chemistry between fantastic castmates performing edgy, well written scenes.

We even get to see more of Kerry Condon practically naked (Octavia from Rome), who jockeys Walter Smith’s (Nick Nolte) star horse, Gettn’up Morning.

We like everything about Luck, including the song.  If you’re behind on your Luck, you have some great television to look forward to, and for those caught up, while only 3 episodes remain, Luck has already been renewed by HBO for a ten episode run beginning next January.

Lucky for us.

Crack (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com)

The new release date is now November 1st, 2011, according to www.borders.com.

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2011/09/03/welcome-back-to-the-layer-cake-as-sequel-approaches/

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/welcome-to-the-layer-cake/

George Harris and Daniel Craig in Layer Cake (above).

“This monkey business is in your blood, under your skin.  You aren’t getting out, you’re just getting in.  You’re only getting started…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnUUuPUmq6w

Eddy Temple, or Ryder is it?  We hardly knew ye.  For it is fact, now confirmed, the rumor that author J.J. Connolly has only reprised one other character in his soon to hit sequel to Layer Cake, Viva la Madness.  That character, as we have speculated, is Mr. Mortimer, pictured above with [xxxx], played by Daniel Craig. 

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/welcome-to-the-layer-cake/

It’s not as though we have a problem with Morty by any means, but some might ask how dare he skunk so many other dynamic characters, especially Eddy Ryder and Gene?  Well, we’ve got other news also gleaned from Connolly interviews.  He has not sold the rights to Viva la Madness and doesn’t sound positive that it will make it to the big screen.  Connolly said he hopes to hear from Matthew Vaughn who he hopes will ring Daniel Craig.

Everyone should remember that Layer Cake was done on a tight budget, that Craig was not yet a movie star at that time and that Vaughn was a rookie director on the film, most certainly an expense saved.  And now, Craig is just about the biggest movie star on the planet.  That Layer Cake helped get him the role of 007 though does in no way ensure that Craig actually reprises the role of [xxxx].

If your return visit to the Layer Cake has been decidedly negative so far, take heart.  Whatever the machinations are of Hollywood and big business, we are very confident that this sequel will do what is almost impossible in the realm of entertainment, which is to succeed on an artistic level.  But Crack, haven’t you trashed Connolly for being a cheap artist who uses cheap tricks like the unrevealed narrator, and who writes in the first person, making for standard junk fiction?

Yes and no.  We aren’t expecting the second coming of War and Peace, some great achievement in high fiction.  What we are expecting is the second coming of Layer Cake, only more expansive.  Layer Cake goes international.  Connolly might not write high fiction, but he is definitely in the Premiere League of regular fiction.  We have missed his sterling dialogue and have waited anxiously for this sequel, which you can pre-order now in advance of its September release. 

Crack, didn’t you pan Connolly for Layer Cake’s inconsistent ending, crediting Vaughn for cleaning up the story and making for a better film than book, something rarely done in the history of fiction to motion picture?  Yes.  Connolly though also had a major hand in the way the story was reworked (he wrote the screenplay), and while we don’t necessarily agree with what he did with [xxxx] at the end of the book to get an innocent American tourist killed in the park instead of Klaus, the Amsterdam pill syndicate’s gruesome henchman, we do now understand his logic, as a major advocate of legalization, that the illegal drug world is chaotic and violent and that the more involved people are in it, the less control they will have over their lives.

Obviously that is true, and is perhaps an even better rationale for legalization than financial exploits.  After all, a book is a different entity from a movie, and Connolly didn’t have the same interest in keeping [xxxx] likable as say, Sony and Columbia Pictures did.  Connolly does have a keen interest in presenting his world, where the dons are the least trustworthy of all, and we feel he has a lot to work with even without the embarrassment of riches that were the bulk of his original book cast.  With Mort having sufficient connections in the Caribbean and in the cocaine world, with that world being [xxxx]’s only real trade, and now having him relocated to Venezuela, a stone’s throw from the coast of Colombia, we are expecting to see all the tricks on the highest level of that trade, including the latest in international smuggling and money laundering that Connolly has now had about ten years to research and write up.

Whether he makes it to the big screen again or not, take heart friends, for [xxxx] is indeed alive.  Watch the alternate endings on your DVD!  Sidney does not kill our protagonist on the steps of Pepi’s Barn with that gun shot.  As you may know from the end of the book.  And as you also may know, [xxxx] is forced to relocate to the Caribbean or risk being prosecuted for killing an American tourist. 

It all makes for a great beginning for Viva la Madness, which we think will provide us with a look into a world which combines gritty London gangster, tropical locales, and an episode of Locked Up Abroad in South America.  Jimmy Price, London’s godfather and chief rat, had his brains and those of his boxers splattered all over his backyard.  The London underworld is out of whack, pardon the pun, and coke prices, even at insane wholesale levels, have skyrocketed, as Connolly also set up well at the end of Layer Cake.  Re-enter [xxxx] later this month.

How does [xxxx] actually re-enter the United Kingdom?  And how are we to forget the characters we have come to love?  We’re confident leaving all that to Connolly. 

Crackbillionair (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com)

Green Fleur di Lys with a full range of their reagent test results (above).

Perhaps you’ve noticed that the page has been light on hits these months.  Indeed it is so.  We figured that we may as well mirror the times, with so little decent product in the form of pills popping up to peak our attention.  We aren’t crying about it, don’t get us wrong.  Why would anyone make a real pill that’s illegal, when they can make a totally legal bunk knockoff?  Especially when a lot of the people out there are too stupid to know the difference.

Bringing us to mincha23 and his girlfriend and their trip report, recently filed with www.pillreports.com.  Take a look:

Green Saints  
 
Date Submitted: June 6, 2011, 4:14 am GMT
Submitted By: mincha23 (member since June 6, 2011)
Name: Green Saints
State/Province: California
Logo: New Orleans Saints
Colour: Green
Shape: Round
Texture: Chalky
Edges: Round
Report Quality Rating: (5 stars, 1 vote)
Description: If this is your first time, DO NOT TAKE..
Suspected Contents: Piperazine + Another
Rating: Unknown
Warning: yes
Tested: no
Consumed: yes
User Report: 1030PM: Popped the first one with some friends1045PM: Took another, no feeling1130PM: Took another, very light feeling but nothing major.1150PM: Dropped one last one.1240AM: All of them kicked in and kicked my ass. Feeling good, looking at the lights and felt amazing. Not as good as the other pills I took.

200AM: Same feeling but slowly coming down. These pills made me feel really lazy, and did not want to do anything.

400AM: Able to drive about 25 miles to go home. As soon as i started to drive felt really sick, and my gf threw up as soon as we got home.

600AM: Went to sleep, slept well. Easy to sleep on.

1200PM: Woke up and felt really lazy, went back to sleep.

600PM: GF still feels sick cant get out of bed.

900PM: Still sick and cant move!

So mincha23 popped ’em and kept popping them until he had a piperazine overdose.  And his girl too.  Brilliant.  Bravo.  This kid truly was born yesterday.  Certainly not the responsible reporter the likes of the kaspkes, chemlovers, and jm6755s of the world.  Honestly, I don’t think I’d have shared that bit if it were me.  With this level of stupidity, we doubt it would have mattered if he had known the proper name of the pill, but apropos nontheless that he’s tagged them as Green Saints.

Have we not been over and back with this?  But who are we, really?  Just an army of one, but we’d like these pills off the market already and have only been calling for all of North America to avoid these pills for more than a year now.  Even www.pillreports.com knows what’s up with these biscuits.  We don’t commonly refer to hits as biscuits as some do, but in this case, the texture of the pill calls that word to mind.  If you have handled these pills, you’d notice that they are kind of airy, kind of porous. 

Now we’ll begin to put the current state of affairs in Layer Cake like terms, as we are getting very juiced for John Connolly’s sequel, Viva la Madness, set for release in a mere 3 months time.  Part government indifference, part shameless greed, and part user stupidity have teamed to give us a market flooded with piperazines, because they are legal, much like the way that MDMA replaced MDA in the scene several years ago.  Why take the risk to keep MDA alive when it went schedule I when chemists could add an extra methyl group and gain 16 years of legal freedom, prior to analog laws?  Where did it get us?

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/welcome-to-the-layer-cake/

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/05/07/a-1st-look-at-cracks-book-7400/

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/05/18/34-methylenedioxyamphetamine-d-e-a-code-7400/

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/05/16/3-4-methylenedioxy-n-ethylamphetamine-foxy-methoxy/

Well, MDA, the real deal, has been backburnered into obscurity, and today’s crackhead is lucky if he can tell the difference between MDMA and piperazine, and needs pillreports to sort it for him.  How’d you like to be the guy to roll in, pardon puns, to the ER having been the fucking dope to stroke out on ringworm medicine and industrial lubricants.

Nowadays, the really pukkah gear is not pressed all fancy in Amsterdam.  Amsterdam is done.  Pukkah gear is manufactured by pharmaceutical companies in sketchy places, and shifted as powder, so as not to have a logo on it.  It’s piperazine pills that have the fancy stamps, for the most part.  Pressed shit is a must test, and we mean, chemical test, unless your boys really, really know the deal, as we laid out for you in the case of those luscious Red Diamonds.   If your gear tests really well, up and down and back and forth, chances are, powder got shifted here and pressed here, unless you are out west, where Mexico has got the game on lock.

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/09/25/green-fleur-di-lys-dangerous-pipes-in-southern-cali/

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/red-diamonds-still-lighting-up-nyc-in-style/

It’s 2 years later, and this firm is still passing off these pipes, and they aren’t even changing the colors up anymore.  We hope all of the community starts paying attention, but our hopes are dim.

Be Smart,

Crackbillionair (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com, www.crackbillionair.com)

Marianne Faithfull (above) as Maggie, the star of Irina Palm.

It is not our practice to sit around watching movies, and in our page’s now 1 year history, we’ve really only discussed 1 film at length: Layer Cake.  As for Layer Cake, the exception for us, our mentions of the subject have not been limited to movie discussion.  Layer Cake, a film but first a novel with a sequel which we hope is still close to completion, is of extreme interest to us because it is the very genre we write in and find most interesting.  It’s not the style we write in, as we consider the 1st person narrative the epitome of junk fiction, not literature.  That said, drug store fiction can be extremely well done and gratifying while being unworthy of a Pulitzer, as Layer Cake is.

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/welcome-to-the-layer-cake/

https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com/2010/05/07/a-1st-look-at-cracks-book-7400/

In the coming weeks, we plan on writing about a few films.  Not bullshit, make me gag, commercial garbage.  Like The Tourist.  WTF was that?  We’ve seen a few gems that we feel are off the beaten path.  Like a recent Crack family movie selection called Irina Palm (2007), a Sam Gabarski film starring Marriane Faithfull and Miki Manojlovic.

A quick narration of the circummstances are in order.  I like to scan IFC and Sundance looking for things to tivo, not that it usually amounts to much.  Last week, I notice a film on Sundance (Irina Palm).  The description was compelling: “comedy, drama.  A grandmother goes to work at a sex club to pay her grandson’s medical bills.”  Now I think very New York-centrically.  And sometimes, I’m afraid, with my dick.  I immediately crafted this little fantasy about the movie from reading between the lines about the film.  In my dim view, New York City is the only real city in the world, and the only one with sex clubs.  And every other person here is Russian, so the name Irina makes sense.  What about the grandmother part?  Well, sex club implies some level of hot.  Heather Graham is my favorite “old chick” at a supposed 37.  If Heather Graham had a kid when she was 16, and her kid had a baby at 16 too, then a 37 year old, still hot chick could conceivably have a grandson with medical bills.

So I sell this film to my wife.  “What’s it about?”  She asked.

“A sex club.”

“Really?  Where?”

“New York.  A woman gets a job in a sex club to pay her grandson’s medical bills.  She’s probaly late 30’s, or 40.  You know, like Heather Graham.”

“Heather Graham is in it?”

“Um…like Heather Graham.”

First of all, Marianne Faithfull is nothing like Heather Graham.  She’s a grandmother in the strictest sense.  She’s about 60, but she looks 65.  NY?  Nope.  Not even close.  London.  We liked both of these aspects of the film, and in the end, know the film was infinitely better this way.

The beginning looked really bleak for grandma.  Her son is British trash.  He’s a deadbeat who sits around his flat in a wife beater smoking cigarettes, helpless to the fact that his son needs a trip to Melbourne and some crazy procedure within 6 weeks or it’s over for the kid.  But grandma is a do-er.  She heads to the bank and begs for a loan.  The agent tells her she’s totally tapped out and has no collateral to borrow against.  So she goes to an employment agency and that agent tells her she has absolutely no skills and her prospects are grim.

So grandma is walking through the streets of London and sees a sign that says “Hostess Wanted.  Excellent Rates.”  She goes in and talks to Miklos (Miki Manojlovic) who asks her if she knows what a euphemism is.  And he asks for her hands (below).  Impressed with her soft hands, Miklos goes on a little about euphemisms and explains that hostess is a euphemism for cock stroker, in not so many words.

“Can you wank men off?”

So grandma is like, “huh?”

Miklos finally has to give her the universal sign for the handjob.  Grandma is appalled, but the pay is good.  Six to nine hundred cash a week or better.  Grandma really wants the kid to get that operation.  She hedges and waffles but the next day, she reports for work.  Miklos leads her to her work station.  It’s a stark, metallic room that resembles a chamber in a submarine.  He introduces her to Luisa (Dorka Gryllus), a pretty-ish Turkish (?) immigrant who is there to show her the ropes.  My wife was like, “Um, I don’t understand.  Where are the tables where the men lay?”  So fucking hilarious.  Because there were no tables.  Just a couple of holes in the wall.

“Babe, there are no tables.”

“Huh?”

“You see the holes?  That’s how they do it.”

“What?”  This girl is so naive it’s precious.

“Those are glory holes.  You stick your dick through the hole in the wall, and they jerk you off.”

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!  THAT’S REAL??????”

“Yeah.”

“How do you even know about that?” she asked.

“They have it in porn.”

My shocked little wife?  She is at once disgusted, repulsed and fascinated, and it was priceless.  I have never seen such a reaction from her when watching a film in our 12 years together.

So Luisa gives grandma a few tips of the trade, squirts some lotion on her cock hand, and presses this button to make a red light go on.  Then a cock pops through the hole (out of camera shot).  You see Luisa work that rod and within a few seconds, the guy comes.  Luisa says “see?  it’s easy.”  Grandma Maggie begs her to do 1 more and Luisa is like, ‘it’s all you, kid’ so now grandma is alone in the cock hole room stroking out like a band of epileptics.

Her and Luisa become friends and they start going out for drinks after their “shift.”  Luisa seems pretty cool, and she looks okay, so if you could see her, you’d probably grab a handjob off her.  These dudes in the club get worked up by strippers and then they pop some change in a slot, jam their dicks in the hole, and bing bang.  But they never see who jerks them.  Grandma takes to the trade with alacrity.  Pretty soon, she’s got a line of anxious dicks waiting to get taken care of.  And poor Luisa can get nary a dick anymore.  Dripping with irony, no?

Miklos, or now Miki, because he likes her, tells grandma he’s giving her a stage name because it’s good for business, and she needs a name for marketing purposes because she’s become the best cock stroker in town.  How does he know?  By the size of the queues.  Oh, and because, as he tells her, “I tried you out.”  That was the best.  From the moment he grabs her hands early on, we smelled it coming.  Still, my wife wanted to crawl under the couch.  Me?  I was laughing my ass off the whole time, and honestly, there isn’t one overt joke in the entire movie.  This flick is downright grim at times.  Luisa gets fired because these pervs only want to get worked by the famous “Irina Palm.”

Grandma hates that Luisa gets fired because of her and Luisa is pissed.  She blasts grandma for taking her job.  Grandma begs Miki to take her back.  He won’t.  It’s business.  So grandma plays on her leverage, and tells Miki she needs 6,000 cash advanced or she’s quitting.  He gives her the cash and she gives it to her son.  Now this idle loser is so upset that grandma won’t tell her how she got the money, he follows her to work and then makes all kind of problems for her, until his grateful wife calls him a “sanctimonious prick” who needs to put their son first like Maggie did.

There are also these nosy neighbor bitches that keeping hassling Maggie about where she works.  The ring leader is a total cunt.  So after grandma has fully taken to the job and has gone so far as taking down pictures off of her living room and nailing them up to her glory hole wall at work, she goes for tea with these bitches and announces the secret: she wanks men off.  Also, she’s the fucking best at it.  Best in London.  And she is proud.

The chief cunt in charge who condescends to her all movie tries to crack on grandma about it at the market.  Grandma calmly blows this old lady’s entire spot up in front of more nosy bitches.  Her daughter-in-law drops by to thank her and give her a ticket to Melbourne.  Their once frigid relationship is now rosy.  Grandma packs her suitcase and heads to Melbourne, we presume.  But oh no, she’s not going.  After all, she’s the famous Irina Palm, and London’s pervs need her hand action.  There’s also the fact that she and Miki have fallen in love.

So what if the film was edited so poorly that in every scene in the sex club the same techno track was on?  We think it was a good track.  We think the handjob montage half way through was also quite good.  One classy perv even threw his overcoat up against the wall to make himself a nice little privacy tent.  Nice touch.  At about 1 hour and 40 minutes, when the final credits roll, I was like, “that’s it?!”

I rarely say such a thing about a movie, but Irina Palm?  Definitely 2 thumbs up.

Crack (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com, www.crackbillionair.com)

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