Lindsay Lohan

Rachel Uchitel (above), Celebrity Rehab star.

I know you wanna see Rachel Uchitel galavanting in short shorts.  She’s addicted.  To what, you ask?  Why, love of course.  Yeah, she told Dr. Drew she needed the 3 week stay in the Pasadena Recovery Center because, as the Robert Palmer song goes, she’s “gonna have to face it, she’s addicted to love.”  Well, she’s also detoxing from Benzos but forgive her if she fails to mention that.  Rachel, for a Xanax popping, 15 minutes of fame, media/Tiger Woods’ whore, is actually quite compelling, and compared to the rest of this year’s Celebrity Rehab clan, has been coming off like Princess Diana.

I know you wanna see old man Eric Roberts galavanting in an array spaghetti strap tank tops, or what we like to call “titty tanks.”  As my wife and I were watching the train wreck that is Eric Roberts, my wife says, “Oh my God!  Julia Roberts must hate those family get togethers.”  Um, darling?  Methinks that Julia has probably got a fistful of restraining orders in her purse, one in her bra, and some high tech electro monitoring devices that beep like a broken car alarm if big brother gets within 500 yards.  As for the tension between Roberts and Janice Dickinson, or Dickinson and Uchitel, or Dickinson and Jason Davis, for that matter?  Last night, Roberts began a comment in group about the uber selfish and annoying Dickinson, “In Janice’s defense…”  But he prefaced it with so many insults/truisms that the defense part never came.  But it was still the nicest thing anyone’s said about Dickinson, not that she can take a “compliment.”

“Don’t sit here pretending to defend me when the rest of the time you don’t even say hello to me.  You ignore me.  You go off when we’re not in a meeting and hide away.” she told Roberts. 

“That’s because your brutal, baby.  You’re mean.  You’re scary.  You creep me out.”  The exchange culminated when Roberts bounced, but not before calling Janice a “cunt.”  Then Roberts talked it out with some loser from The Hills, lamented the fact he had ‘stooped’ to Dickinson’s level by calling her a cunt, while at the same time congratulating himself for calling her a cunt because it was “liberating” to call a spade a spade.

The nobody from The Hills remarked on all the fireworks that he has been to 8 rehabs and never seen fireworks like this.  Impressive.  What?  Not firework-y enough for you?  But we haven’t even gotten to Jason Davis, who so sastisfyingly systematically destroyed Janice Dickinson with a barrage of comments on bad plastic surgery, reducing the world’s meanest bitch to a crying puddle of makeup and pulled skin.  I was telling Dr. Jet about it, and he was like, “Is Jason Davis greasy bear?”  And that would have made sense, because frankly, he’s the size of a bear, and as greasy a fuck as I’ve ever seen, and my people are Italian.  But alas, greasy bear is Jason’s brother Brandon Davis, who famously used to infuriate Lindsay Lohan in the Manhattan night club scene by screaming “fire crotch!” at her relentlessly, and who made the gossip pages by opining on how ex-girlfriend Mischa Barton became so fat. 

The gift of insult and abuse runs healthily through the Davis bloodlines, apparently.  Not only has Davis anhilated Dickinson, but also this super ghetto old black lady, somehow a celebrity for being Kesha Cole’s mother (I didn’t know Kesha Cole was a celebrity, let alone her mother).  Apparently off camera, Jason Davis de-weaved Mrs. Cole, which has the poor woman practically spasming with nerves around Davis.  Last night, Davis stole her lighter, refused to give it back, and then when Cole tried to jump on him to get it back, he started to lavish the mockery upon her, saying in a put on ghetto voice, “YOU CAN’T DISRESPECT ME!  I KESHA COLE’S MOM!  I KESHA COLE’S MOM!”  Cut to Kesha Cole’s mother, reduced to tears, sobbing to Dr. Drew about how she’s about to crack from the abuse.

And then there’s Jeremy London, apparently a famous actor (?), and mad crackhead, who is stalking Rachel Uchitel around the premises, telling Uchitel after she returned to rehab following a flighty moment that ‘he can’t do this without her, and that she’s his world here.’  London has also spun this unbelievable story about how he relapsed because some dudes kidnapped him and forced him to smoke crack.  Right.  Like I was kidnapped that weekend and taken to the Winter Music Conference and forced to eat all those rolls.  This guy is super fucking creepy, but no creepier than Leif Garrett’s bandana and discolored skin patches, or Jason Davis’s open, gaping crackhead cooking injury wounds.

We beg you to watch.

Crack (,

Newest Ranger, center Todd White (above).

Yesterday the New York Rangers acquired a much needed center iceman when they sent forwards Donald Brashear and Patrick Rissmiller to Atlanta for 5’10” veteran center Todd White.

Let’s look at White’s career stats:

Year Team GP G A Pts +/- PIM PPG PPA SHG SHA Shots Shot %
1997-98 Chicago Blackhawks 7 1 0 1 0 2 0 0 0 0 3 33.3
1998-99 Chicago Blackhawks 35 5 8 13 -1 20 2 2 0 0 43 11.6
1999-00 Chicago Blackhawks 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.0
1999-00 Philadelphia Flyers 3 1 0 1 -1 0 0 0 0 0 4 25.0
1999-00 Total 4 1 0 1 -1 0 0 0 0 0 4 25.0
2000-01 Ottawa Senators 16 4 1 5 5 4 0 1 0 0 12 33.3
2001-02 Ottawa Senators 81 20 30 50 12 24 4 7 0 0 147 13.6
2002-03 Ottawa Senators 80 25 35 60 19 28 8 15 1 0 144 17.4
2003-04 Ottawa Senators 53 9 20 29 12 22 1 6 1 0 98 9.2
2005-06 Minnesota Wild 61 19 21 40 -1 18 5 10 0 1 109 17.4
2006-07 Minnesota Wild 77 13 31 44 8 24 6 8 1 1 162 8.0
2007-08 Atlanta Thrashers 74 14 23 37 -12 36 6 5 1 0 111 12.6
2008-09 Atlanta Thrashers 82 22 51 73 -9 24 12 22 1 0 150 14.7
2009-10 Atlanta Thrashers 65 7 19 26 -11 24 2 8 0 0 92 7.6
Totals: 635 140 239 379 21 226 46 84 5 2 1075 13.0

White, who was plagued by injuries last year, had a career year for Atlanta in 2008-2009, when he recorded 73 points.  Prior to that, White played for the Wild, where he got a chance to play a good deal with Rangers star forward Marian Gaborik, who the Rangers have had trouble matching with a centerman.  For that reason, some think that White could turn into a major addition to the club.

Mostly, White wants to prove that last season was an aberration. White suffered through two knee dislocations and then tore his labrum late in the season as he compiled seven goals and 19 assists in 65 games. White said his knees are not an issue and he was cleared to skate about three weeks ago. However, he has not yet been cleared for contact, though he believes he will be good for contact drills by the time the Rangers open training camp on Sept. 17.

“(The rehab) is going well,” White said by telephone. “I saw the doctors three weeks ago and I was cleared to start skating. I’ve skated a couple of times, passing and shooting. I had the shoulder surgery as soon as the season was done, that’s part of not being allowed to take contact. (The start of training camp), that’s my goal, that was the plan all along in Atlanta, to be ready.  I’ve been progressing really well. It’s just a matter of getting my strength, my range of motion is back.”

The Rangers have been actively trying to improve their offense, signing enigmatic Russian left wing Alexander Frolov last week.

White will become an unrestricted free agent after this season, when the Rangers are expected to have approximately $ 19 M in cap room.

–Crack (,

Rangers new forward, former King, Alexander Frolov (above).

After a largely inactive summer in free agency, no doubt due to their unmanageable salary cap, the Rangers finally made a move to land a top 6 forward, signing enigmatic left wing Alexander Frolov, who scored 19 goals and recorded 32 assists last year, collecting 51 points for the Los Angeles Kings.

Frolov signed a one year deal with the Rangers for an estimated $ 3.2 M, choosing the Rangers despite having a much more lucrative long term deal on the table from a KHL team in Russia.  Let’s take a look at Frolov’s career stats:

Alexander Frolov #24

  • Left Wing
    • Height: 6-2
    • Weight: 204
    • Shoots: Right
    • Born: Jun 19, 1982 – Moscow, USSR
    • Draft: 2000 – 1st round (20th overall) by the Los Angeles Kings

    Career Stats

    Career Stats
     Year Team GP G A Pts +/- PIM PPG PPA SHG SHA GW SOG Pct  
     2002-03 LA 79 14 17 31 12 34 1 2 0 0 3 141 .099  
     2003-04 LA 77 24 24 48 8 24 5 8 2 1 3 168 .143  
     2005-06 LA 69 21 33 54 17 40 4 10 3 2 4 174 .121  
     2006-07 LA 82 35 36 71 -8 34 10 18 1 2 6 195 .179  
     2007-08 LA 71 23 44 67 1 22 5 13 0 0 7 160 .144  
     2008-09 LA 77 32 27 59 -6 30 12 13 1 1 1 176 .182  
     2009-10 LA 81 19 32 51 -1 26 5 8 0 0 1 182 .104  
     Career   536 168 213 381 23 210 42 72 7 6 25 1196 .140

    The Rangers have had bad luck with enigmatic Russians, traditionally, and in the last 2 off-seasons especially.  Two summers ago, they traded promising defenseman Fedor Tjutin for Alexei Zherdev, and last year, they signed winger Ales Kotalik, who never saw eye to eye with Rangers’ coach John Tortorella.  But Frolov has put up 32 and 35 goal seasons, and many believe his drop in production had more to do with the number of outstanding young Kings’ players who stepped up and beat out Frolov for power play time and important minutes in big situations.

    In addition to Frolov, the Rangers have signed enforcer Derek Boogard, backup goaltender Martin Biron, and have acquired defenseman Steve Emminger from Anaheim, in addition to re-signing current Rangers Brandon Pust, Erik Christensen, and Vinnie Prospal.

    The team has also come to terms with highly esteemed defensive prospect Ryan McDonagh, and hope to sign McDonagh’s college teammate, Derek Stepan, before training camp.

    Let’s Go Rangers!

    –Crack (

    Lohan’s right nipple (above).

    Lindsay Lohan may be tough, but is she tough enough to take two out two of the toughest New York Rangers?  Recently Lohan had an altercation with Rangers lightningrod Sean Avery (giving the finger below to the camera), Avery’s girlfriend, Victoria’s Secret model Jessica Stam (pictured below), and 6’4 Ranger Aaron Voros (also below) at the New York City nightclub 1OAK, the same club where Bristol Palin partied underage, when she was in New York.

    Lohan must be an Islanders fan…

    Crack (

    True Blood star Alexander Skarsgard (above).

    Alexander Skarsgard and girlfriend Kate Bosworth (below) attended the Ray-Ban fashion show in Williamsburg featuring Iggy Pop on Wednesday night (Brooklyn holler!), but the real news from the evening was that  an unwanted Lindsay Lohan showed up and demanded entrance to the show, which was granted–through a side door.

    Wow, Bosworth is hot.  She’s demanding her own category with that pic!

    As for Lindsay, our Long Island darling of course behaved herself, once inside.  We think.

    –Crack (

    Above are Lindsay and Michael Lohan.  This week the Lohan’s were in the news a bit.  Here’s what Lindsay had to say to the about an HIV+ Lindsay rumor that began on Michael Lohan’s Twitter page:

    He’s a grown man and has done the exact same things on TV/interviews, [so] why wouldn’t he lie on Twitter, and everywhere else!He just want money – and he’s using me, my name, my status, my mother, brothers and sister for the cash to pay for [another] wedding.

    Michael Lohan said on Twitter, before erasing the message:

    “It’s time you learned the truth,” wrote Michael Lohan. “The truth about Tommy Motolla (sic) engaging in an affair with my then-17 year old daughter.  “The truth about my daughter living with HIV for the rest of her life as a result of the decisions she has made.”

    While Lohan’s medical status is confidential, she denied the rumors begun by her father’s twitter this week.  This is not the only Lindsay Twitter controversy of the week, as Wednesday night a picture was posted on Twitter of Lindsay with a gun to her mouth.

    It turns out the picture was taken by photographer Tyler Shields for an upcoming book, and was posted from Lindsay’s Twitter account.  As the dust settles, it appears that Lohan was mocking her recent contoversies and level of her celebrity with the tongue in cheek photo.  Lohan is in a better mood than last week, when her father forced his way into her apartment with the help of a police officer to stage an intervention for the 23 year old actress.

    It has also been a busy week for Michael Lohan who was arrested for defying an order of protection, by making a phone call to a former love interest, against a writ of protection.,0,946661.story

    –Crack (

    Above we see Lindsay Lohan leaving a friend’s house in LA over the weekend, next to a closeup of Lindsay’s feet, which, to be honest, I thought would have looked a lot better.  Her left shin, cloaked in shadow, looks a little scaley, and I wanna say unshaven, though I won’t go so far.  Her right shin looks a bit ruddy for a super star 23 year old beauty’s.  What?  Am I judging a narrow photo taken in the middle of the night of Lindsay’s shins too harshly?  Because I haven’t even gotten to her powdered feet, thought prudent by some, me among them, an unashamed Gold Bond’s user from way back.  It burns so good!

    But this talk about Lindsay Lohan smuggling cocaine out of the party in her fancy little black shoes–attention media–people take blow into the party with their feet, not out.

    And those shoes aren’t exactly the type to be concealing much of anything.  I mean, let’s be preposterous for a second.  If that was cocaine, then she’s walking out with about an eighth on her right foot alone.  I have been to some crazy parties, though maybe not any Hollywood parties, and I have never seen anyone literally walking around in blow.  I’ve heard of people who like their drugs plugged (inserted up their rectum as their mode of ingestion) and I know that plugging, however unsanitary and disgusting it seems, does get a person a lot higher than more traditional intake routes, so I’ve heard.

    But what benefit would there be to her having Charlie on her feet?  I mean, is she not walking out of the party with a huge black bag?  Psst!  Paparazzi, psst–the blow is in the bag, not on her feet!  I’m wondering if any of the photographers on the scene collected a powder sample from Lindsay’s tracks to send to a lab for some conclusive results?  If we only knew what brand of foot powder Lindsay used then the young bad girls of Long Island and various other party girls out there might rush out to spend money on a new product.  I smell an endorsement deal for Lohan.

    The media is being ridiculous here once again.  This morning I googled “Lindsay Lohan Powder” and a number of ludicrous articles popped up:

    That’s a great one–the unnamed friend who is convinced it was Cocaine and that Lohan is not long for the ranch.

    That one above where she tweets unfavorably about George Lopez for cracking jokes about her is a goodie.  Look, we never said that Lohan was a bright one, we don’t wish to get into her sordid and dubious past, aside from making the mere mention of the phrase “fire crotch” (thanks to our good friend Jade Tortue who recalled for us that hilarious reference, and who will soon be coming to us from her own page with her own unique stylings), and we know little of her acting, music and performance careers.  Frankly, we know her best on account of her lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson (an awful deejay, by the way), because of her dysfunctional parents and hard partying dad Michael, who happened to serve some hard time (who recently told the press that he is planning an intervention for his daughter), and because of her frequent mentions in Page Six–all of the Lohan’s frequent mentions in the tabloids, in fact.

    Everyone is being too hard on the kid, including India, who we read this morning is considering banning Lohan, because she only had a travel visa and not a work visa, though she happened to be part of a documentary film that liberated dozens of Indian children/sex slaves.

    Message to India: lighten up.

    Not to be culturally insensitive to anyone over in Asia, but here’s Lindsay above, all tricked out in Indian garb with the red dot on hear head and everything.

    Now back to the original photo of Lohan from the weekend, her powdered feet, and what appears to be her dripping wet hair.  Here’s our theory: she went swimming, was in a hot tub, or quite possibly had sex with someone on the premises, who–gasp–had bad breath and sucked on her feet.  Or all three.  Oh yeah.  We’d like to add to this theory that those black shoes pictured on Lohan were…uncomfortable, as shoes sometimes can be.

    Now please back off the kid.  She’s 23.  She’s allowed to screw, to use baby powder, to be into foot fetishes, to swim, and to even have a tweet war with George Lopez.  And it doesn’t mean that she won’t die, that she didn’t hit the slopes earlier in the evening, or that her father’s planned Lindsay intervention won’t be hilarious.

    This all prompts us to repeat the question once asked by one of our greatest modern philosophers, Ali G: “What is da role of da meedja?”  It has evolved over the years, that’s for certain, if not in the progressive sense.


    –Crack (hhtp://