Tiger Woods


Rachel Uchitel (above), Celebrity Rehab star.

I know you wanna see Rachel Uchitel galavanting in short shorts.  She’s addicted.  To what, you ask?  Why, love of course.  Yeah, she told Dr. Drew she needed the 3 week stay in the Pasadena Recovery Center because, as the Robert Palmer song goes, she’s “gonna have to face it, she’s addicted to love.”  Well, she’s also detoxing from Benzos but forgive her if she fails to mention that.  Rachel, for a Xanax popping, 15 minutes of fame, media/Tiger Woods’ whore, is actually quite compelling, and compared to the rest of this year’s Celebrity Rehab clan, has been coming off like Princess Diana.

I know you wanna see old man Eric Roberts galavanting in an array spaghetti strap tank tops, or what we like to call “titty tanks.”  As my wife and I were watching the train wreck that is Eric Roberts, my wife says, “Oh my God!  Julia Roberts must hate those family get togethers.”  Um, darling?  Methinks that Julia has probably got a fistful of restraining orders in her purse, one in her bra, and some high tech electro monitoring devices that beep like a broken car alarm if big brother gets within 500 yards.  As for the tension between Roberts and Janice Dickinson, or Dickinson and Uchitel, or Dickinson and Jason Davis, for that matter?  Last night, Roberts began a comment in group about the uber selfish and annoying Dickinson, “In Janice’s defense…”  But he prefaced it with so many insults/truisms that the defense part never came.  But it was still the nicest thing anyone’s said about Dickinson, not that she can take a “compliment.”

“Don’t sit here pretending to defend me when the rest of the time you don’t even say hello to me.  You ignore me.  You go off when we’re not in a meeting and hide away.” she told Roberts. 

“That’s because your brutal, baby.  You’re mean.  You’re scary.  You creep me out.”  The exchange culminated when Roberts bounced, but not before calling Janice a “cunt.”  Then Roberts talked it out with some loser from The Hills, lamented the fact he had ‘stooped’ to Dickinson’s level by calling her a cunt, while at the same time congratulating himself for calling her a cunt because it was “liberating” to call a spade a spade.

The nobody from The Hills remarked on all the fireworks that he has been to 8 rehabs and never seen fireworks like this.  Impressive.  What?  Not firework-y enough for you?  But we haven’t even gotten to Jason Davis, who so sastisfyingly systematically destroyed Janice Dickinson with a barrage of comments on bad plastic surgery, reducing the world’s meanest bitch to a crying puddle of makeup and pulled skin.  I was telling Dr. Jet about it, and he was like, “Is Jason Davis greasy bear?”  And that would have made sense, because frankly, he’s the size of a bear, and as greasy a fuck as I’ve ever seen, and my people are Italian.  But alas, greasy bear is Jason’s brother Brandon Davis, who famously used to infuriate Lindsay Lohan in the Manhattan night club scene by screaming “fire crotch!” at her relentlessly, and who made the gossip pages by opining on how ex-girlfriend Mischa Barton became so fat. 

The gift of insult and abuse runs healthily through the Davis bloodlines, apparently.  Not only has Davis anhilated Dickinson, but also this super ghetto old black lady, somehow a celebrity for being Kesha Cole’s mother (I didn’t know Kesha Cole was a celebrity, let alone her mother).  Apparently off camera, Jason Davis de-weaved Mrs. Cole, which has the poor woman practically spasming with nerves around Davis.  Last night, Davis stole her lighter, refused to give it back, and then when Cole tried to jump on him to get it back, he started to lavish the mockery upon her, saying in a put on ghetto voice, “YOU CAN’T DISRESPECT ME!  I KESHA COLE’S MOM!  I KESHA COLE’S MOM!”  Cut to Kesha Cole’s mother, reduced to tears, sobbing to Dr. Drew about how she’s about to crack from the abuse.

And then there’s Jeremy London, apparently a famous actor (?), and mad crackhead, who is stalking Rachel Uchitel around the premises, telling Uchitel after she returned to rehab following a flighty moment that ‘he can’t do this without her, and that she’s his world here.’  London has also spun this unbelievable story about how he relapsed because some dudes kidnapped him and forced him to smoke crack.  Right.  Like I was kidnapped that weekend and taken to the Winter Music Conference and forced to eat all those rolls.  This guy is super fucking creepy, but no creepier than Leif Garrett’s bandana and discolored skin patches, or Jason Davis’s open, gaping crackhead cooking injury wounds.

We beg you to watch.

Crack (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com, www.crackbillionair.com)

Tony Galea, pictured above.

Canadian “sports” doctor Anthony Galea, one time doctor of Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran, and Jose Reyes, was charged today with distributing human growth hormone, smuggling, “introducing the unapproved drug Actovegin into innerstate commerce, and conspiracy to defraud the United States.”

http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/2010/05/18/2010-05-18_tony_galea_canadian_doctor_linked_to_arod_and_tiger_woods_charged_with_giving_hg.html

Supposedly, Galea supplied HGH to NFL players, but not to Woods, Rodriguez–an admitted juicer, Reyes, or Beltran.  Woods, Beltran, and Reyes have been linked to steroids in a number of ways–performance and physical breakdowns among them.

Actovegin, a calf’s blood extract, is believed by Dr. Gary Wadler, Chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency, to enhance athletic performance:

WebMD asked Gary Wadler, MD, chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency’s Prohibited List and Methods Sub-Committee and clinical associate professor of medicine at the New York University School of Medicine, to fill us in on the drug.

What Is Actovegin?

”Actovegin is a de-proteinized extract of calf blood,” says Wadler. It’s been produced by Nycomed Austria GmbH since 1996, according to the company’s web site.

A statement on the site says “the raw material is calf blood sources from calves below 8 months of age.”

But its history goes back much further than 1996, Wadler says. “It has been studied at least since the late 1970s,” he tells WebMD.

What are the medical uses of Actovegin?

Among its uses, Wadler says, is the treatment of peripheral artery disease and strokes.

A search of medical literature turns up several published studies of the drug, with research ranging from treatment of cognitive disturbances after stroke to ulcers.

What are the benefits of Actovegin use in athletes?

In research studies, Actovegin has been shown to exert insulin-like activity, such as stimulating the transport of glucose in the body, as well as glucose oxidation.

That could be good news for athletes, Wadler says. “Athletes are always looking to get more oxygen to working muscles.”

”The idea here was to deliver it therapeutically, to improve the transport and use of oxygen and sugar,” he says.

http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/news/20091216/faq-on-actovegin

Calf’s blood, A-Rod, Tiger?  Really?  That’s not too creepy, is it?  Oh, but then again, Galea supposedly didn’t supply any steroids or Actovegin to those guys.  Right.  And we can believe Tiger, who looks like a juicehead above, because he is just so believable and honest and sincere about everything. 

As for Rodriguez, please.  He admitted to taking HGH from 2003-2005, but never before or after.  It’s my belief that Rodriguez has taken steroids since college, and hasn’t ever stopped.  He only admitted to that 3 year window because he knew there was conclusive evidence for that 3 year window.  How do you go from 6’4, 170 lbs. to 6’4, 230 lbs. naturally after you have already reached physical maturity, without the use of steroids?

You don’t.

Be a clean athlete,

Crack (https://crackbillionair.wordpress.com)

So Tiger Woods made big news again yesterday by consenting to 2 “exclusive” interviews–which is a bit baffling in itself–one with ESPN’s Tom Rinaldi, who had 5 minutes to ask Tiger some questions that in all likelihood, Woods’ handlers gave Rinaldi to ask, and the other exclusive, with The Golf Channel, which ran for 6:08–about 48 seconds on his affairs and family life, and the other 5:20 on golf.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7T8I_Sjads (ESPN)

http://www.thegolfchannel.com/golf-videos/-13811/?ref=26000

Among the bright spots, of which there were more of in Tiger’s Golf Channel interview:

–he cheated because he “quit meditating”

–he cheated because he “quit being a Buddhist”

–he learned a lot while he was in treatment for 45 days

–he now wears a stringy white bracelet for protection (it’s a Buddhist thing!)…and no, he doesn’t wear it on his dick, he wears it on his wrist.  Okay, so I put in that last part, but the bracelet thing is true.

With ESPN’s Tom Rinaldi, Tiger was less forthcoming. 

Q: Why did you crash the car?

A: That’s between Elin and myself.

Q: What happened on November 27th?

A: It’s in the police report, but it’s also between Elin and myself. 

He gave TGF a little more sway in responding to the question of why he crashed the car.  “Because I hit a few things.”  Fascinating.

I don’t have a problem with any of it.  I don’t have a problem with Tiger possibly controlling these interviews.  I don’t have a problem with him not being forthcoming.  I certainly think it wise of him to try and impose the same limitations on a CBS interview, which the network rejected because of it–their right.

And unlike recent entries in which I tried to give you all a few pictures of some good looking women, I am not going to do it here, with the 12 or so women who have come forward about their relationships with Tiger Woods.  I’m not even going to tell you their names.

Was some of it very fascinating to hear of, from their perspectives?  Not really.  Though Howard Stern did do a great job with it all in conducting what was essentially a beauty contest and Q & A session with Tiger’s bitches.

One said that Tiger used to drive to the restaurant where she worked as a manager–an IHOP in Florida–and would have sex with her on her break in his Escalade.  How pedestrian.  That made me giggle.  Nothing more.

Another one talked about how she couldn’t pay her rent and she asked Tiger for some money and he turned her down.  Sensible, if you ask me.  I mean, if you have that many mistresses, even  a rich guy like Tiger may not be able to afford setting that sort of precedent.

And then you heard from another one who Tiger fawned over and who he bought all sorts of jewelry and expensive gifts for.  Curious?  Let me help you with that then.  She probably fucked him a lot better than the one who couldn’t pay her rent on time.

The most interesting tidbit coming from that peanut gallery was put forth by the porn star, who said that Tiger used to take Ambien before having sex with her because it enhanced his stamina and performance.  You guys know I know my way around a pharmacy, yet that one is news to me.  We’ll make sure to get the lowdown on that for you as soon as Dr. J gets back from vacation.

The media is making celebrities out of these women.  They will probably have reality shows soon and write colums in soon to be out of print newspapers (see the New York Post’s, and Elliot Spitzer’s former whore, Ashley Dupree), and are already making the rounds through all manner of media, The Howard Stern Sirius XM Radio Show, undoubtedly the finest of those mediums.

And speaking of New York papers, you have Mike Lupica of the Daily News prosthelytizing in today’s edition that Tiger Woods interviews yesterday were “baloney” and more “rambling soul searching.”  When will Mike Lupica, the moral compass on all things, the expert on everything from the Little League World Series to Presidential elections, be put out to pasture already?

We certainly hope it’s before the Italian American Puritan puts out another awful book.

But you know what?  In this sense, he’s right.  It is bullshit–the stringy bracelet, the cease in meditation, the terse, non answers to Rinaldi, and Tiger has the right and is right to handle these interviews in this manner.  I mean, what’s he gonna say?  That he hit a golf ball so long and so hard for so many hours and so many years that he didn’t talk to a female until he was 19 years old and now can’t control himself?  Or that he’s a man who pops a rod when he sees a hot chick, despite having a wife, and that with his billion plus dollars it wasn’t so hard to come on to these women?

No.  He’s going to pretend he’s into his wife more than ever, and clutch religion, like every other politician caught en flagrante has done.  I am not into the morality issue on topics such as these.  I am into the reality issue.  Tiger is the best at what he does, and when you are the best at what you do, the rules are different for you.  That’s reality.

I couldn’t tell you much about golf, in all honesty.  About as much as I know is that a hole in one is nearly impossible, and that an eagle is better than a birdie.  But a powerful person corrupted?  That’s par for the course.

The Philadelphia Eagles asking Terrell Owens to go sign autographs at some brat’s birthday party is not reality.  Michael Jordan not talking to certain teammates for years who he deemed beneath him–that’s reality (see The Jordan Rules, by Sam Smith).

So I applaud The Golf Channel for asking Tiger questions that were primarily about golf.  And though I couldn’t care less, I can’t wait until Tiger gets back on top in his chosen field.  It will only go to assert my feeling, that being the best at something doesn’t make a person good.  It just gives that person good opportunities to take advantage of their position.

Tiger will always be what he is–a great golfer.  That’s reality.  And Tiger, if you read wordpress, a word of advice: try tipping your waitresses and bartenders.  No one is as happy to see you as you think, unless you are swinging a club.

–Crackbillionair